Love It

 So I've been thinking about feelings. Or maybe feeling about thinking? It came about when someone said "But you know I love you".  What an interesting statement! It assumes so much. Way too much in fact.  Let's call the speaker Person 1 "Feeler" as they have already stated they feel something.  Let's call Person 2 "Thinker" as they have obviously thought and questioned the validity of the feelings. Let's break down the short sentence from Feelers perspective.   But - Sounds like an argument really, they are disputing what Thinker has said, and they have a different view point. It's a positive one in this case, the feeling being one of love.  But is in a small way counteracting that as it's giving a positive emotion in a negative form. What does a child say when you make their favourite cookie and they're not in the mood "BUT I don't like it today!"  How do you feel when you hear the word But? I've heard it too

 Such a simple phrase that just does not do justice to the amazing man the world lost yesterday. When I was little my Dad talked about his family in Slovakia to me. They didn't have names, he just said "my sisters", "my brother" and "my parents" and so I didn't gain a connection to them, they weren't mine, they were his. He never spoke of my uncle, aunts or grandparents. I find that sad now.  At the same time I understand why he claimed them as his. He  missed them and missed them terribly.   Dad left home as a child really to be a Partisan fighter during World War 2. The family were in a situation that movies are made of and books are written about. Life was so challenging. One of my aunts died just after that war, and for most of it both Dad and my Uncle were presumed dead. I feel my Grandmother's pain to this day. It's called inherited grief. So, my Uncle was a prisoner in the Mauthausen Concentration Camp. He survived that - somehow

So it begins as all others. Feed the cat, fill the cats water bowl, clean the cats litter tray, jump in the shower. Get dressed, clean the kitchen have breakfast, check social media. Yep same old same old. Then realisation of Mothers Day. The offspring live in other places, and are busy with their lives and work, and that's OK. Then the following realisation that there is an older generation. One I haven't seen in over 4 months now through choice and through isolation. One I have not had positive feelings for in 50 years. One I have had a duty to my whole life, and one I no longer wish to have a duty for. To put it simply I hate Mothers Day. Every feeling of inadequacy that was instilled into me as a child, teenager and adult woman about every aspect of my life just bubbles to the top.  It's also something m men don't understand and having 4 of them in the family makes it an interesting situation every year. It's so hit and miss. Some years a beautiful gift,

So last week's dread turned to excitement, joy, and some more dread. The message received for the joyous occasion also had the name I despise in it, but I have managed to separate the new person from the old. Just. I think. The usual public announcement was made, and I want to acknowledge with every bit of gratitude and love and respect and appreciation to those granting that name that they omitted it from the public announcement. To just see one beautiful, cherished name was more relief than joy and excitement. I cried with the sheer relief that it wasn't in the public realm. That dread of public joy and praise while I felt such incredibly negative feelings was huge I can tell you. And that dread of something was paralysing me for a while too. I also used the "it's your news" to get out of telling the original name holder the new one had arrived.  Call it what you want, but for me it had to happen. Not that it actually crossed my mind to pick the phone up.

So today is a day I should be extremely excited. Today is an incredibly special day. And I'm struggling. Why? I should be just plain happy. I should be putting all negative thoughts out of my mind. I should be constructive and joyous. Instead all the feelings I had a few months ago when I found out a special persons name have flooded in.  That name will go out in the public arena for the first time. All the great things that others think of that name will be blazing around me like flames around Joan of Arc.  My anxiety about that person with that name are in full glorious overdrive right now. And my balanced mind says that they are not important. My anxiety says I'm not important, therefore I have two sides of my brain agreeing for all the wrong reasons.  The person who gains that name I already love. I will do anything for that person. Literally anything.  I cry with the love I have for them and I haven't even seen or held them. And yet the original holder of tha

We have a few friends and family who have died. Yes, everyone has.  Our special ones don't have their final resting places near us so we can go and spend time there though. Some don't have any physical monument to their existence. Or they are in another country.  So we made our own. It's the Chopping Board Wall of Fame!  Seriously.  Each one has a quote on a Chopping Board hung on the wall near our patio in the garden. We can raise a glass to them and sit and look at their board just as we would sit and perhaps look at their headstone. So what do we have? One of our best friends boards says "Is this how you want to live your life?"  It was directed at a young man who hadn't washed his bathroom floor!  Hardly poignant or pivotal. Or was it?  That dirty floor was a sign of accepting being the victim of something grotty. Wading through dead skin cells, fur, hair and unspeakables to do the daily ablutions was not how anyone would actually choose to live. B

Totally and utterly GROSS! Right?  Who starts a blog with a kitty litter tray?  Me! Why? Because it's the definitive smile in tough times. I have no idea why I took that photo. I really don't. But sometimes when faced with a challenging situation, a gross situation, or to be blunt a shitty situation, you just have to smile. Surely in today's reality of the world's health crisis, this is what we need.  Perhaps a Tilly Turd is the ultimate representation of life as we know it. So this has been my solution to dealing with the behind the scenes challenges of life pretty much since I can remember.  I lived in a household as a child where it was no bed of roses. If you have read earlier posts then you have an idea.  If you're currently not feeling bright and chirpy, then now is not the time to go and read them. We are constantly told by the community that a trouble shared is a trouble halved, that we can rely on our friends.  I wasn't raised like that. I

I always knew that this change I'm undergoing would be a roller coaster, but I'm not sure I was prepared. Not sure I had my crash helmet & leathers on for this bike. At the same time it's going OK. Change is healthy, but I had always anticipated that like all changes I've had this would be a reactive one. It would happen when someone near to me died and I no longer had to endure the face to face contact. Somehow I thought it would be this butterfly out of the cocoon style change that I wouldn't feel.  Bah Bong! Wrong!  Instead I made a conscious decision based on information I received that showed me I had been hiding so much of a pained past from the people who I loved more than anything in the world. Who loved me. Actually loved me even when I didn't feel it or see it for myself. And then the ride started. I admit the ride is slowing down the past few weeks as the changes become the normality of life. The highs are getting higher and the lows not so

What's your bridge?  I know I have had a few to get over. The old saying "build a bridge" has such huge connotations.  Firstly, it's us who need to build our bridges, nobody can do that for us. Then we have to decide where and when to build it and why we want to. We have to decide how strong it has to be - does it need to be used regularly? Or is it a once off and burn the bastard at the other side type of bridge? One of my biggest bridges was my weight. I used the bridge of food to build a bond with a toxic person in my life. It was what we did when we celebrated, commiserated and consoled. It was incredibly unhealthy - the food and the relationship. The weight issue that resulted from that food was another source of bonding, or creating a similarity, and having common struggles.  I believe now that I had a fear that if I lost weight, stopped eating the bad foods and regained my health - actually make that gained health as I'd never really had it - that I w

Yesterday I walked to the end. I've been to the end of my rope a few times, so yesterday walking to the end of a lovely jetty was really a great experience. I'd done it before, but just felt like I wanted to yesterday. I saw where I lived from a different perspective, from a direction not many bother to go and investigate. It's not far, about a kilometre to the end. There's seats there too and it's really a beautiful spot to go and have a think.  Lots of birds of all different kinds too. I met 2 couples walking dogs, one little one, and one big one called Troppo who was so excited about life. I guess because it's been a few weeks of very rapid growth. Speed dating my demons I called it one day. Putting the feelings I have about someone with a particular name into perspective before I meet a new person who may share that name. I needed to reorganise my mind so that I didn't connect the two. So lots of introspection and lots of thinking, along

I wonder how many times I've said those words. Probably the best way to describe that would be the good old "If I had a dollar..........."  For these words, I'd be living in a riverside mansion I reckon. This morning I was wondering why. The scenario that came to me was that of helping my kids. I've tried to as much for them as I can without making them into needy dependants. I've succeeded in that I think. There are three kind, considerate, caring and extremely capable individuals walking the earth. I'm so proud of them. Yet I still offer to help with tasks that I know they are more capable than I am of achieving. It must drive them mental. They must think to themselves "Oh crap! Why does she do this?"  So I thought about why I do it. Their reaction is theirs to own, but why do I do it? So here's an example of where I wanted my parent to parent-up and do the damned job. To ask if they could help. Damn it. I just wanted them to help. To

Today the day of love and romance. Of flowers, treats and special moments.  I love Valentines Day. I really do. It’s rare I haven’t been treated like a queen on this day by the most amazing man in the world. In my current introspection state of 2020, it is making me think deeper.  In the shower of course. Most of my deepest thoughts are there because it was one of the few places I could think as a live at home junior adult/child. Not for long, but there were moments. So unconditional love.  I’ve heard it said by people who leave their partners within a relatively short time. I’ve heard it said followed by the word “but” which always negates everything before it. I’ve heard it said by someone I know didn’t mean it, thankfully not to me. I have loved unconditionally and I do love unconditionally. I often say to my kids I love them totally. I like that word better.  It says it all.  There is no part of them I don’t love.  I love their tempers, their faults, their likes, dislikes, th

I must be getting older! My recovery times both physical and mental are getting slower. A car crash has left me with some painful areas that I never thought I would have. It's limited my activities and busy-ness of life to a small extent.  That's a double edged sword as it's given me time to think as well. Thinking is good when you are removed from a toxic influence as you start to see things more clearly and more calmly. What I've found most interesting is my level of exhaustion.  A lovely lady I know lives in a frenetic household due to a family member with a disability. She made a comment about exhaustion levels when adrenaline and cortisol (flight or fright hormones) subside after a particularly long bout of action.  I realised that since not being in contact with my major trigger person that these levels that have been heightened for years have started to subside. So I'm feeling tired. I'm having to lower my action levels due to back pain and the tw

These are the words I would say if I could, but know I never will. I think it will help to at least put them out there. Dear Let's cover the recent stuff shall we? I delivered your needs, you left me a voicemail. It was snarky, it said it was a shame I didn't have time to go see you. I actually couldn't go see you. My anxiety attacks when I do that are pretty brutal. Nobody sees me sit in the car for sometimes half an hour building up to go in for mostly not as long as it took me to put those anxieties away to walk in. Nobody sees me run to the car when I leave. Or if they do they just think I'm busy. So I asked someone to intervene. I can't remember doing that. Ever. I asked them to tell you I wouldn't be in - for a while - not forever - just a while.  I trust them implicitly. I know they told you the right thing in the right way. You told them the voicemail was to tell me someone had fallen over!  No you didn't mention that. You snarked and shamed.

As a formally trained celebrant I am well versed in the art and benefit of rituals and rites. In the past few weeks I have been cleansing my home of physical attachments to this particular person. It's really helped. Clearing myself of a sense of duty in holding on to items that had a sentimental attachment out of sheer duty. I've tried to justify keeping them with a myriad of reasons.  From "Well I actually kind of like them, a bit" to "There are some happy memories attached, I think" and "Maybe future generations will want them". I've finished with that today with the final clearing of physical items.  This is the sort of thing that is generally done some months or even years after someone dies when the griever has reached a point of comfort that they can rid themselves of these things. When my grandfather died, my grandmother wanted all items removed from their shared home before she would move back in there after a couple of weeks s

I've been studying these recently and they are fascinating. I've always had a reputation for embellishing the truth, gilding the lily, etc.  Probably a polite way of saying I had lied.  That's a bitter pill to swallow. My levels of self awareness have been changing so much this year since the small piece of information I received on Christmas Day.  My reaction to that news was the monumental part of the year, and probably my life. First I found my tribe. It's online. I haven't met any of them. But they understand me more than anyone I have met face to face. They had similar upbringings. I have learned new acronyms, new terms and discovered reasons for a whole pile of things that I do - and say. When challenged about this habit. It is a habit. I don't willfully go and tell something not accurate, and I never want to hurt anyone either. My first reaction, here in the "new" land was to think "You're going to be shocked when you realise that

One of my posts recently was about my bedtime routine. Of overcoming physical pain in order to get to sleep. On the weekend I managed to open up a bit about my morning routine. A lot of things highlighted about parentification of children in a narcissistic household.  I say household as the word family isn't really accurate. So here is the routine.  Remember I wasn't an adult. I left this environment when I was 17 years old. This was from around 10 until 17.  If you're remembering back to Mum being up early doing things for you then I'm genuinely happy for you. Alarm clock goes off - 6am every day, but not really sure why I bothered as I always woke up before it.  This way I could get in the shower without risking anyone walking in. There was no privacy in the shower because apparently it was normal to have a chat. I didn't feel normal when that happened.  Comments about how big her waist was at that age always seemed to come out to reinforce my feelings

I feel that I have told so many tales of woe over the past month in this blog. Tales of pain, frustration, anger and hurt. They had to be told. But I've been doing a lot of work on my patterns and behaviours and learned a lot about what I do and why I do it. Which means today is a new day. I will still talk about those things that happened as to deny they happened will only perpetuate the farce. The farce that the biggest influencing relationship of my life turned out that way not as a role model but as a way of "not being". I've been challenged about some of my behaviours too.  Looking at them, while I take full responsibility for them, I can now see that they too stem back to this relationship that for most of the world is a nurturing one, but for me was damaging and narcissistic. It taught me negative ways of gaining attention instead of positive ones. I know they won't change overnight, but I'll be throwing everything I have at them. The person who raise

When you're taking steps to move forward you actually have to go up in your imaginary helicopter and go back to the past.  For God's sake don't land the bloody helicopter and get stuck there though!  Just fly over look down and see what happened, feel what you felt and then get the hell out of there again. I was doing this when looking at why I feel like I do about someone. Why do I resent them so much? And I discovered the term "parentified child" - yes it exists! One classic example of this was when I started High School.  I was quite comfortable at my local school, I had some friends and while I was far from fitting in, I knew my place. I knew I would do well at High School and was looking forward to it.  No, I got sent to another school.  Nobody from my year group was going to that school. Nobody. So I was being taken at a time of family crisis from a comfort zone to a whole new uncharted territory. Oddly I did this with my kids, but there were 2 of them

I've discovered in the last 4 years that bike riding is a very liberating feeling. I don't use headphones so there's often just the rhythmic sound of the wheels and the trees around me. Yes there's traffic, but that's comforting because it means I'm not alone. So now I'll come clean, I don't ride a bike. I ride a trike. A huge 3 wheel contraption that weighs 25kg and I can only ride to and from my house because of it. I can't pop it on the roof of the car and take it somewhere to ride somewhere different. I'm a giant mouse on a wheel, or to be precise 3 wheels.  I get odd looks from some who think a fit healthy person should be on 2 wheels - like a "normal" person. I get surprised comments when I get off and they find I'm not disabled.  I do get some compliments about how cool it is. And I do genuinely love riding it and I'm very grateful to have it. But why a bloody trike???????? Simple, I can't ride a bike.  Now

These days the answer is "Really well thank you" but it sure wasn't like that in the past. I saw one of those schmaltzy posts today: I cried. I cried because that's how my kids do arrive. They don't knock. They will often head to the fridge or the pantry. They fall asleep on the couch. I see them relax. I love it more than I can say. I wish they lived closer so I could see it more often. I have friends who do the same. It's just wonderful. I could re-write it to my own experience as an adult: "Now that I am grown, I have a panic attack when I walk through the door. I freeze, I want to turn and run. I have never gone for a snack unless I bought the food, made the snack, and fed it to you. I can't relax on the sofa, I am constantly on edge, waiting for the next comment. I feel the weight of my childhood bearing down on me. This is not home. I hope I never walk in again" So back to the original question "How do you sleep at night

So 14 years ago, to the day, because I'm accurate like that; I moved from views like this: to views like this: From harsh, rich, historic ground to lush, plush, historic ground. For 14 years now I've stuck to my belief that I pushed this move for the sake of my family. I believed they would have new futures, better lives and enjoy all the new area had to offer.  I think I was right, all of the males in my family have great careers, have developed friendships and relationships they wouldn't have made if we'd stayed put. Pop back to the blog "What's in a Name?" if you haven't been following along and you'll see there's been a lot of soul searching going on. That soul searching has moved forward to last night laying alone thinking about the move here 14 years ago with children and teenagers, and analysing the real meaning of why I wanted to move. This analysing must be healthy, for the first time since taking that secon