Roller coasters & Rides
I always knew that this change I'm undergoing would be a roller coaster, but I'm not sure I was prepared. Not sure I had my crash helmet & leathers on for this bike. At the same time it's going OK.
Change is healthy, but I had always anticipated that like all changes I've had this would be a reactive one. It would happen when someone near to me died and I no longer had to endure the face to face contact. Somehow I thought it would be this butterfly out of the cocoon style change that I wouldn't feel. Bah Bong! Wrong!
Instead I made a conscious decision based on information I received that showed me I had been hiding so much of a pained past from the people who I loved more than anything in the world. Who loved me. Actually loved me even when I didn't feel it or see it for myself. And then the ride started.
I admit the ride is slowing down the past few weeks as the changes become the normality of life. The highs are getting higher and the lows not so low. What a feeling that is.
In the past week I've had lots of contact with people I love. There's been times when that has felt like breathing wet cement. Only because of my insecurity. Because I have realised that due to that one vital yet abysmal relationship in my life I am constantly on the watch for signs of negativity, of dual meanings to comments, to body language. Constantly! This creates a paranoid mindset of questioning their motives in every comment, and of seeing negativity where there isn't any. I create my own pain in these conversations. It's not their fault, it never has been.
But then there is that side too where I take the blame for every negative thing that everyone else does. The phrase "not my fault" just doesn't enter into my conscious mind. I was raised that everything was my fault. If not, then it was the fault of "YOUR........*insert relation/friend name*". See how important that phrasing is. The person dishing out the abuse was also related to that person! But when in full narcissistic mode they relinquished that relationship and made the person they were blaming MY person, and in doing so attached that blame to me. I know that sounds really complicated.
A small example is that age old issue about money. Apparently even due to some strange career moves and acceptance of financial aid from a number of relatives, the reason the money never flowed was due to "My Father". Now I always loved my Dad, I always will. To say that there wasn't enough money to do things, or to buy things was the fault of that person may well have been quite true. But to attach that to me by using the phrases of "because of your father", or "because of her father" shifted that blame from him to me. It was a simple language tool that deflected the blame. It was never "my husband" she spoke of. Not sure anyone will understand that. So, take a moment to think about how you speak about someone you blame for something. Do you own that relationship and therefore that connection? Or do you shift it? I have often heard people talk about "the kids father" rather than "my ex" if there has been a relationship breakdown.
I'm quite the opposite as I always refer to "my" children! Their dad is a great man, an great husband and a great dad but I really don't credit him enough with his role in "our" children. Note to self there to fix that one.
So why the breathing wet cement this week? I've felt isolated by people I love. And, possibly I've isolated myself. I've realised how important these people are to me though. So I ended one evening in my standard solo tear burst. I always do that alone, another throw back to childhood abuse where my pain was always secondary to hers. That in turn led me to not showing her my pain as that would just push that cycle around once more so I had more to be sad about.
But then I've had other contact from those same people that has made my heart sing and I've danced for joy. Quite literally. My fear of telling them that I quite literally dance with joy when I have a happy interaction with them is that they will think I'm weird and they won't do it again.
Fear, joy, happiness, tears............................... Roller coaster stuff isn't it?
Change is healthy, but I had always anticipated that like all changes I've had this would be a reactive one. It would happen when someone near to me died and I no longer had to endure the face to face contact. Somehow I thought it would be this butterfly out of the cocoon style change that I wouldn't feel. Bah Bong! Wrong!
Instead I made a conscious decision based on information I received that showed me I had been hiding so much of a pained past from the people who I loved more than anything in the world. Who loved me. Actually loved me even when I didn't feel it or see it for myself. And then the ride started.
I admit the ride is slowing down the past few weeks as the changes become the normality of life. The highs are getting higher and the lows not so low. What a feeling that is.
In the past week I've had lots of contact with people I love. There's been times when that has felt like breathing wet cement. Only because of my insecurity. Because I have realised that due to that one vital yet abysmal relationship in my life I am constantly on the watch for signs of negativity, of dual meanings to comments, to body language. Constantly! This creates a paranoid mindset of questioning their motives in every comment, and of seeing negativity where there isn't any. I create my own pain in these conversations. It's not their fault, it never has been.
But then there is that side too where I take the blame for every negative thing that everyone else does. The phrase "not my fault" just doesn't enter into my conscious mind. I was raised that everything was my fault. If not, then it was the fault of "YOUR........*insert relation/friend name*". See how important that phrasing is. The person dishing out the abuse was also related to that person! But when in full narcissistic mode they relinquished that relationship and made the person they were blaming MY person, and in doing so attached that blame to me. I know that sounds really complicated.
A small example is that age old issue about money. Apparently even due to some strange career moves and acceptance of financial aid from a number of relatives, the reason the money never flowed was due to "My Father". Now I always loved my Dad, I always will. To say that there wasn't enough money to do things, or to buy things was the fault of that person may well have been quite true. But to attach that to me by using the phrases of "because of your father", or "because of her father" shifted that blame from him to me. It was a simple language tool that deflected the blame. It was never "my husband" she spoke of. Not sure anyone will understand that. So, take a moment to think about how you speak about someone you blame for something. Do you own that relationship and therefore that connection? Or do you shift it? I have often heard people talk about "the kids father" rather than "my ex" if there has been a relationship breakdown.
I'm quite the opposite as I always refer to "my" children! Their dad is a great man, an great husband and a great dad but I really don't credit him enough with his role in "our" children. Note to self there to fix that one.
So why the breathing wet cement this week? I've felt isolated by people I love. And, possibly I've isolated myself. I've realised how important these people are to me though. So I ended one evening in my standard solo tear burst. I always do that alone, another throw back to childhood abuse where my pain was always secondary to hers. That in turn led me to not showing her my pain as that would just push that cycle around once more so I had more to be sad about.
But then I've had other contact from those same people that has made my heart sing and I've danced for joy. Quite literally. My fear of telling them that I quite literally dance with joy when I have a happy interaction with them is that they will think I'm weird and they won't do it again.
Fear, joy, happiness, tears............................... Roller coaster stuff isn't it?
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