Love It

One of my posts recently was about my bedtime routine. Of overcoming physical pain in order to get to sleep. On the weekend I managed to open up a bit about my morning routine. A lot of things highlighted about parentification of children in a narcissistic household.  I say household as the word family isn't really accurate. So here is the routine.  Remember I wasn't an adult. I left this environment when I was 17 years old. This was from around 10 until 17.  If you're remembering back to Mum being up early doing things for you then I'm genuinely happy for you. Alarm clock goes off - 6am every day, but not really sure why I bothered as I always woke up before it.  This way I could get in the shower without risking anyone walking in. There was no privacy in the shower because apparently it was normal to have a chat. I didn't feel normal when that happened.  Comments about how big her waist was at that age always seemed to come out to reinforce my feeli...

When you're taking steps to move forward you actually have to go up in your imaginary helicopter and go back to the past.  For God's sake don't land the bloody helicopter and get stuck there though!  Just fly over look down and see what happened, feel what you felt and then get the hell out of there again. I was doing this when looking at why I feel like I do about someone. Why do I resent them so much? And I discovered the term "parentified child" - yes it exists! One classic example of this was when I started High School.  I was quite comfortable at my local school, I had some friends and while I was far from fitting in, I knew my place. I knew I would do well at High School and was looking forward to it.  No, I got sent to another school.  Nobody from my year group was going to that school. Nobody. So I was being taken at a time of family crisis from a comfort zone to a whole new uncharted territory. Oddly I did this with my kids, but there were 2 of th...

I've discovered in the last 4 years that bike riding is a very liberating feeling. I don't use headphones so there's often just the rhythmic sound of the wheels and the trees around me. Yes there's traffic, but that's comforting because it means I'm not alone. So now I'll come clean, I don't ride a bike. I ride a trike. A huge 3 wheel contraption that weighs 25kg and I can only ride to and from my house because of it. I can't pop it on the roof of the car and take it somewhere to ride somewhere different. I'm a giant mouse on a wheel, or to be precise 3 wheels.  I get odd looks from some who think a fit healthy person should be on 2 wheels - like a "normal" person. I get surprised comments when I get off and they find I'm not disabled.  I do get some compliments about how cool it is. And I do genuinely love riding it and I'm very grateful to have it. But why a bloody trike???????? Simple, I can't ride a bike.  Now ...

So 14 years ago, to the day, because I'm accurate like that; I moved from views like this: to views like this: From harsh, rich, historic ground to lush, plush, historic ground. For 14 years now I've stuck to my belief that I pushed this move for the sake of my family. I believed they would have new futures, better lives and enjoy all the new area had to offer.  I think I was right, all of the males in my family have great careers, have developed friendships and relationships they wouldn't have made if we'd stayed put. Pop back to the blog "What's in a Name?" if you haven't been following along and you'll see there's been a lot of soul searching going on. That soul searching has moved forward to last night laying alone thinking about the move here 14 years ago with children and teenagers, and analysing the real meaning of why I wanted to move. This analysing must be healthy, for the first time since taking that secon...

I don't think I've processed this much old thought for a long time. If ever. I've pushed and prodded all that nasty stuff so far to the back of my mind it's like cleaning out wardrobes of my mother's homes over the years. All the questions of "Why would anyone keep hold of that?" Except this time it's my thoughts and memories and questions I never thought I'd ask. Is this growing up? Is this midlife crisis? So for a few days I went away from the routine. Went into a whole new world. Then I came back. Sounds like a cryptic clue to a holiday doesn't it? Woke up today with the usual suspects of dogs and cats and wondered what to do today. I divided it up into 3 categories: Wants, Needs and Shoulds.  I'm not longer in a place in life where there are many "have to" sections. There's laundry to do, but I don't have to do it. There's cleaning to do but I won't die of sepsis if I don't do it. There's garden...

I love this quote because the reality of it has hit me very hard in recent days. Even at my age, the child in me still believes it has no rights, that its feelings are wrong and that they are judged harshly for how some things affect them. I have never told the full story of my childhood because I'm still a child. I still have a living, breathing parent and I have no siblings to validate or to share my lived experience. To have an only child and to create such havoc in an emotional storm for all these decades must surely equate to winning the game. Right?  News just to hand and a conversation about what it means to be given a name has just set off a series of after shocks that while I know I will recover from are currently causing some enormous mental tidal waves. A name? How can such a small thing create such a huge issue in someone who is not even remotely involved in the decision? How can nobody who knows you so well even pick up on these devastating effects? And why is t...

This week there will be a milestone event in my family. I remember planning, and being so excited for the same age event back in 1988. It was huge. The lady in question then was loved and admired by everyone without exception. She was almost saintly, but with a wicked sense of humour and a love and zest for life that spanned her entire life. She was generous, kind, supportive, enthusiastic and full of praise for those around her. She conducted Random Acts of Kindness before we had a buzz word for it. There were gifts aplenty!  In her typical style she wrote a list of them and who gave them to her so she could acknowledge them all individually.  I kept the list. I value her administration skills and her care of those who gave to her. I even have the jewellery I gave her for that special occasion.  I am grateful that I know what it is like to celebrate that milestone birthday and to this day I remember how great it was. And now here we are almost 30 years later and here...