Communication Patterns
I've been studying these recently and they are fascinating.
I've always had a reputation for embellishing the truth, gilding the lily, etc. Probably a polite way of saying I had lied. That's a bitter pill to swallow. My levels of self awareness have been changing so much this year since the small piece of information I received on Christmas Day. My reaction to that news was the monumental part of the year, and probably my life.
First I found my tribe. It's online. I haven't met any of them. But they understand me more than anyone I have met face to face. They had similar upbringings. I have learned new acronyms, new terms and discovered reasons for a whole pile of things that I do - and say.
When challenged about this habit. It is a habit. I don't willfully go and tell something not accurate, and I never want to hurt anyone either. My first reaction, here in the "new" land was to think "You're going to be shocked when you realise that I agree with you, that it's a habit that must stop". Old me would have more than likely gone into denial. Or justification. Or both. Modifying (it's a work in progress) was quite accepting of it and took it on quite comfortably. Why? Because it made me reflect on the why, not the what. I can't change what, but I can change why.
So why?
It's about the small child who was unloved, and largely unwanted by a narcissistic parent. A child who when visiting other people's homes would be shocked at how different their own was. I remember clearly being shocked by the neighbours where the parents shared a room. I was very sympathetic as there were 2 children, and I thought it was lovely the parents shared so the kids didn't have to. My knowledge of reality was so limited.
Children want to fit in, they want to be the same as other children. When a child is socially and physically isolated from other children - I spoke about this to do with sports and lunches at home instead of at school - then they quite unconsciously create an alternate universe to talk about. Imaginary friends? Little stories? A lot of us have had them, told them, or heard them.
As life got harder, the need became greater and the stories became more frequent. I can see it now. I rarely spoke about my life at all, I spoke about others, and having my own family created so many more opportunities to avoid talking about my life. To this day people say to me "That's your family's life up to date for me, now what are you doing?" I talk a lot. Mouth full of marbles, under wet cement type of talking. But I don't say what I think, what I do, or what I feel. I hide all of that because of that childhood where none of those things were valued, loved or respected by the person who was meant to the most.
When you feel that nothing you do is important, you talk about others, or you create something. I now see that's what I did, and can see why I did it. Because I don't feel valued (there's a HUGE difference to BEING valued and FEELING valued) I doubt that the person who tackled this with me originally will ever understand or even forgive this. And my need to be validated by others is slowly shrinking, and for that reason I'm OK with that. They will have to see the change for themselves to realise that change has occurred.
My need to communicate with others verbally is diminishing recently. My ability to sit quietly is much greater. I'm less vulnerable when I don't open up. So if I open up to you - consider yourself very honoured and trusted, and please, please don't take advantage of that.
I've always had a reputation for embellishing the truth, gilding the lily, etc. Probably a polite way of saying I had lied. That's a bitter pill to swallow. My levels of self awareness have been changing so much this year since the small piece of information I received on Christmas Day. My reaction to that news was the monumental part of the year, and probably my life.
First I found my tribe. It's online. I haven't met any of them. But they understand me more than anyone I have met face to face. They had similar upbringings. I have learned new acronyms, new terms and discovered reasons for a whole pile of things that I do - and say.
When challenged about this habit. It is a habit. I don't willfully go and tell something not accurate, and I never want to hurt anyone either. My first reaction, here in the "new" land was to think "You're going to be shocked when you realise that I agree with you, that it's a habit that must stop". Old me would have more than likely gone into denial. Or justification. Or both. Modifying (it's a work in progress) was quite accepting of it and took it on quite comfortably. Why? Because it made me reflect on the why, not the what. I can't change what, but I can change why.
So why?
It's about the small child who was unloved, and largely unwanted by a narcissistic parent. A child who when visiting other people's homes would be shocked at how different their own was. I remember clearly being shocked by the neighbours where the parents shared a room. I was very sympathetic as there were 2 children, and I thought it was lovely the parents shared so the kids didn't have to. My knowledge of reality was so limited.
Children want to fit in, they want to be the same as other children. When a child is socially and physically isolated from other children - I spoke about this to do with sports and lunches at home instead of at school - then they quite unconsciously create an alternate universe to talk about. Imaginary friends? Little stories? A lot of us have had them, told them, or heard them.
As life got harder, the need became greater and the stories became more frequent. I can see it now. I rarely spoke about my life at all, I spoke about others, and having my own family created so many more opportunities to avoid talking about my life. To this day people say to me "That's your family's life up to date for me, now what are you doing?" I talk a lot. Mouth full of marbles, under wet cement type of talking. But I don't say what I think, what I do, or what I feel. I hide all of that because of that childhood where none of those things were valued, loved or respected by the person who was meant to the most.
When you feel that nothing you do is important, you talk about others, or you create something. I now see that's what I did, and can see why I did it. Because I don't feel valued (there's a HUGE difference to BEING valued and FEELING valued) I doubt that the person who tackled this with me originally will ever understand or even forgive this. And my need to be validated by others is slowly shrinking, and for that reason I'm OK with that. They will have to see the change for themselves to realise that change has occurred.
My need to communicate with others verbally is diminishing recently. My ability to sit quietly is much greater. I'm less vulnerable when I don't open up. So if I open up to you - consider yourself very honoured and trusted, and please, please don't take advantage of that.
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