Cleansing
As a formally trained celebrant I am well versed in the art and benefit of rituals and rites.
In the past few weeks I have been cleansing my home of physical attachments to this particular person. It's really helped. Clearing myself of a sense of duty in holding on to items that had a sentimental attachment out of sheer duty.
I've tried to justify keeping them with a myriad of reasons. From "Well I actually kind of like them, a bit" to "There are some happy memories attached, I think" and "Maybe future generations will want them".
I've finished with that today with the final clearing of physical items. This is the sort of thing that is generally done some months or even years after someone dies when the griever has reached a point of comfort that they can rid themselves of these things.
When my grandfather died, my grandmother wanted all items removed from their shared home before she would move back in there after a couple of weeks staying with family. It was her dutiful and loving son-in-law who did these things for her. He said after her death that he was the richest man alive because God had given him 2 mothers. There's no greater honour for an in-law than that. But then she was pretty special.
The progress I've made recently has allowed me to see that I have done my grieving over a mother that I deserved to have, that I wanted to have, and that I tried to create! Didn't happen. Yes there is a strong minded, frail bodied physical presence alive and well and reasonably close to me. But I have no attachment. It's all gone, passed and I was holding on to things that just reminded me of the loss I have carried.
So, some costume jewellery went into the bin. Small fiduciary value, no sentimental value, but a duty to keep.
Some china that hadn't been used in quite literally three decades was broken and binned. I could have donated or sold it, but I felt a certain therapeutic value in actually breaking it. No chance of seeing it somewhere in the future then. Still not sure why I couldn't find a hammer, but spanners are amazing! There's a number of culturally significant reasons why this is important. It usually symbolises leaving bad luck behind and moving forward into happiness. I liked that idea!
Some linen went into the organics bin. Very environmentally friendly aren't I? Memories were woven into those items and they weren't good ones. Gone!
Finally today I looked at the one remaining photograph which was in a set of other photographs of family members on wedding days. For the princely sum of 80 cents I replaced all of them with wonderful happy and significant photos of my wonderful husband and me. After all isn't that the most important marriage in my life? Isn't he the most important person I have chosen to have in my life? And I keep going in to look at the happy photos that are there now. Our history, our love and our story.
Then came one final release which felt oddly spiritual and blessed. There was one small broken watch that had been kept for 70 years. Not mine obviously, not working either. A very personal piece to the owner.
I searched for quite a while for a spot near water that was uncrowded and peaceful. I found a beautiful spot with a little jetty. I annoyed the seagulls sitting there as I very politely asked them to shove off for me. I walked to the end of the jetty. Nobody anywhere! Out aloud I said "I release you into time. I send you in peace. I thank you for what you have done and wish you peace in your future life." And I threw the little fragment of time very symbolically into the water. The breeze blew, and the water waved. I walked away feeling more peace and happiness than I have in a very long time.
So, dead or alive. Rest In Peace.
In the past few weeks I have been cleansing my home of physical attachments to this particular person. It's really helped. Clearing myself of a sense of duty in holding on to items that had a sentimental attachment out of sheer duty.
I've tried to justify keeping them with a myriad of reasons. From "Well I actually kind of like them, a bit" to "There are some happy memories attached, I think" and "Maybe future generations will want them".
I've finished with that today with the final clearing of physical items. This is the sort of thing that is generally done some months or even years after someone dies when the griever has reached a point of comfort that they can rid themselves of these things.
When my grandfather died, my grandmother wanted all items removed from their shared home before she would move back in there after a couple of weeks staying with family. It was her dutiful and loving son-in-law who did these things for her. He said after her death that he was the richest man alive because God had given him 2 mothers. There's no greater honour for an in-law than that. But then she was pretty special.
The progress I've made recently has allowed me to see that I have done my grieving over a mother that I deserved to have, that I wanted to have, and that I tried to create! Didn't happen. Yes there is a strong minded, frail bodied physical presence alive and well and reasonably close to me. But I have no attachment. It's all gone, passed and I was holding on to things that just reminded me of the loss I have carried.
So, some costume jewellery went into the bin. Small fiduciary value, no sentimental value, but a duty to keep.
Some china that hadn't been used in quite literally three decades was broken and binned. I could have donated or sold it, but I felt a certain therapeutic value in actually breaking it. No chance of seeing it somewhere in the future then. Still not sure why I couldn't find a hammer, but spanners are amazing! There's a number of culturally significant reasons why this is important. It usually symbolises leaving bad luck behind and moving forward into happiness. I liked that idea!
Some linen went into the organics bin. Very environmentally friendly aren't I? Memories were woven into those items and they weren't good ones. Gone!
Finally today I looked at the one remaining photograph which was in a set of other photographs of family members on wedding days. For the princely sum of 80 cents I replaced all of them with wonderful happy and significant photos of my wonderful husband and me. After all isn't that the most important marriage in my life? Isn't he the most important person I have chosen to have in my life? And I keep going in to look at the happy photos that are there now. Our history, our love and our story.
Then came one final release which felt oddly spiritual and blessed. There was one small broken watch that had been kept for 70 years. Not mine obviously, not working either. A very personal piece to the owner.
I searched for quite a while for a spot near water that was uncrowded and peaceful. I found a beautiful spot with a little jetty. I annoyed the seagulls sitting there as I very politely asked them to shove off for me. I walked to the end of the jetty. Nobody anywhere! Out aloud I said "I release you into time. I send you in peace. I thank you for what you have done and wish you peace in your future life." And I threw the little fragment of time very symbolically into the water. The breeze blew, and the water waved. I walked away feeling more peace and happiness than I have in a very long time.
So, dead or alive. Rest In Peace.
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