Standing out from the crowd
When you're taking steps to move forward you actually have to go up in your imaginary helicopter and go back to the past. For God's sake don't land the bloody helicopter and get stuck there though! Just fly over look down and see what happened, feel what you felt and then get the hell out of there again.
I was doing this when looking at why I feel like I do about someone. Why do I resent them so much? And I discovered the term "parentified child" - yes it exists!
One classic example of this was when I started High School. I was quite comfortable at my local school, I had some friends and while I was far from fitting in, I knew my place. I knew I would do well at High School and was looking forward to it. No, I got sent to another school. Nobody from my year group was going to that school. Nobody. So I was being taken at a time of family crisis from a comfort zone to a whole new uncharted territory.
Oddly I did this with my kids, but there were 2 of them going to the new school, it was a family decision to move, and while it cost an absolute fortune they were fully kitted out with everything they needed to fit in.
I did that because I knew how it felt to not fit in.
Private schools have uniforms! Everyone looks the same on the outside shell. Inside everyone is an individual, but outside no.
So come for a ride in my helicopter.
Notification in November that new school would begin in February. Two months to prepare and purchase uniforms and books so child can attend and be ready. Two months to reduce the stress and have them prepared to give them the best chance. Two months to ask for help from family if financial pressure is there.
Day 1 - Drop child at gate of school so they can go in and get ready for their first class. 327 young women aged 12-17 walking in those gates in maroon and white checked dresses, stockings, brown shoes and white straw hats. 1 walking in wearing a blue & white striped skirt and white t-shirt. No uniform. How does that feel? What does that look like?
Can't imagine?
Well I did that. For the first two weeks of school. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, angry, depressed, alone and desperate. At the time I heard the words "But I didn't have the money because of your father". As I grew and got an income I over-invested in the speaker of those words trying to absolve that same feeling of wanting to save my Dad from those comments. I failed of course. They still came, and the demands grew higher and higher. Oddly I didn't feel angry to Dad at the time wearing my weird clothes instead of a uniform. I felt angry to her because she was so busy being a bitter and twisted spouse she forgot to be a mum.
The strangest part of that is that nobody else remembers me doing that. Only 1 person at 1 reunion remembered I didn't have a uniform. That's because it wasn't important to them. They don't remember feeling pity or being questioning of that incident because it didn't happen to them. It happened to me.
Result - every day of my life I have underwear, jewellery and shoes chosen for the next day. I over-prepare. I plan my outfits. I feel apprehension that I'm not dressed appropriately for every event. I feel I'm being judged. I over-ask of my husband "Does this look ok?" All of that translates of course into me not being self-confident in my appearance.
All because of one person not caring enough about their child to be organised for one of the most significant events of their life.
So today? I'm going to go and feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and focus on feeling that maybe I'm dressed right for the day.
Tomorrow? I might not get my undies out of the drawer until the next morning!
I was doing this when looking at why I feel like I do about someone. Why do I resent them so much? And I discovered the term "parentified child" - yes it exists!
One classic example of this was when I started High School. I was quite comfortable at my local school, I had some friends and while I was far from fitting in, I knew my place. I knew I would do well at High School and was looking forward to it. No, I got sent to another school. Nobody from my year group was going to that school. Nobody. So I was being taken at a time of family crisis from a comfort zone to a whole new uncharted territory.
Oddly I did this with my kids, but there were 2 of them going to the new school, it was a family decision to move, and while it cost an absolute fortune they were fully kitted out with everything they needed to fit in.
I did that because I knew how it felt to not fit in.
Private schools have uniforms! Everyone looks the same on the outside shell. Inside everyone is an individual, but outside no.
So come for a ride in my helicopter.
Notification in November that new school would begin in February. Two months to prepare and purchase uniforms and books so child can attend and be ready. Two months to reduce the stress and have them prepared to give them the best chance. Two months to ask for help from family if financial pressure is there.
Day 1 - Drop child at gate of school so they can go in and get ready for their first class. 327 young women aged 12-17 walking in those gates in maroon and white checked dresses, stockings, brown shoes and white straw hats. 1 walking in wearing a blue & white striped skirt and white t-shirt. No uniform. How does that feel? What does that look like?
Can't imagine?
Well I did that. For the first two weeks of school. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, angry, depressed, alone and desperate. At the time I heard the words "But I didn't have the money because of your father". As I grew and got an income I over-invested in the speaker of those words trying to absolve that same feeling of wanting to save my Dad from those comments. I failed of course. They still came, and the demands grew higher and higher. Oddly I didn't feel angry to Dad at the time wearing my weird clothes instead of a uniform. I felt angry to her because she was so busy being a bitter and twisted spouse she forgot to be a mum.
The strangest part of that is that nobody else remembers me doing that. Only 1 person at 1 reunion remembered I didn't have a uniform. That's because it wasn't important to them. They don't remember feeling pity or being questioning of that incident because it didn't happen to them. It happened to me.
Result - every day of my life I have underwear, jewellery and shoes chosen for the next day. I over-prepare. I plan my outfits. I feel apprehension that I'm not dressed appropriately for every event. I feel I'm being judged. I over-ask of my husband "Does this look ok?" All of that translates of course into me not being self-confident in my appearance.
All because of one person not caring enough about their child to be organised for one of the most significant events of their life.
So today? I'm going to go and feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and focus on feeling that maybe I'm dressed right for the day.
Tomorrow? I might not get my undies out of the drawer until the next morning!
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