Recovery is Slow
I must be getting older!
My recovery times both physical and mental are getting slower.
A car crash has left me with some painful areas that I never thought I would have. It's limited my activities and busy-ness of life to a small extent. That's a double edged sword as it's given me time to think as well.
Thinking is good when you are removed from a toxic influence as you start to see things more clearly and more calmly.
What I've found most interesting is my level of exhaustion. A lovely lady I know lives in a frenetic household due to a family member with a disability. She made a comment about exhaustion levels when adrenaline and cortisol (flight or fright hormones) subside after a particularly long bout of action. I realised that since not being in contact with my major trigger person that these levels that have been heightened for years have started to subside. So I'm feeling tired. I'm having to lower my action levels due to back pain and the two combined is a strangely peaceful place to be in.
I'm also calm enough inside to start to talk about events that I've written about. I'm owning my own history and not protecting the one who shouldn't be protected. Allowing time to do that is really special. I'm recognising triggers and habits that I never allowed myself time to explore. More memories are coming back, some good and some bad. The good ones are special times with my Dad and my Grandma. The bad ones are the snippets of conversations, the behind the scenes stuff that created a "V" shaped family and not a triangle. A healthy one child family should be a triangle. Ours wasn't. It was a V with two of us running up and down the lines serving the apex and attempting to ensure it was happy. It never was.
I'm looking ahead, enjoying planning time away and doing things I want. I'm not hell bent on being needed to feel loved. I'm delegating jobs and doing things I want to do, not what I have to do. The things I felt I had to do, often didn't need doing at all! It was just part of me doing stuff to get recognised, to push for gratitude and appreciation. I didn't get those because the person I was doing it for thought I wanted to do it! What a vicious cycle. Every time I go to do something for someone now I am asking if it I am being altruistic, kind and giving. Or, am I looking for fulfillment? Nothing wrong with feeling fulfilled obviously. There is though when you are trying to create the feeling of being a loved daughter by replacing it with volunteering your arse off for family, friends and community.
I've been reading again too. Some self development, learning and training to come out the other side of this hideous patch of parental inspection as a better person.
One of the most healing things anyone has said only happened yesterday. It showed the deepest empathy anyone has displayed to me, and I doubt they even realised the effect it had as they said the words "I'm sorry you experienced such toxic abuse". Wow! Those words! Sympathy for the experience, naming the experience, and most importantly not blaming me in any way for what happened. I'm also blessed, proud and glowing to say I'm married to the person who said this.
My recovery times both physical and mental are getting slower.
A car crash has left me with some painful areas that I never thought I would have. It's limited my activities and busy-ness of life to a small extent. That's a double edged sword as it's given me time to think as well.
Thinking is good when you are removed from a toxic influence as you start to see things more clearly and more calmly.
What I've found most interesting is my level of exhaustion. A lovely lady I know lives in a frenetic household due to a family member with a disability. She made a comment about exhaustion levels when adrenaline and cortisol (flight or fright hormones) subside after a particularly long bout of action. I realised that since not being in contact with my major trigger person that these levels that have been heightened for years have started to subside. So I'm feeling tired. I'm having to lower my action levels due to back pain and the two combined is a strangely peaceful place to be in.
I'm also calm enough inside to start to talk about events that I've written about. I'm owning my own history and not protecting the one who shouldn't be protected. Allowing time to do that is really special. I'm recognising triggers and habits that I never allowed myself time to explore. More memories are coming back, some good and some bad. The good ones are special times with my Dad and my Grandma. The bad ones are the snippets of conversations, the behind the scenes stuff that created a "V" shaped family and not a triangle. A healthy one child family should be a triangle. Ours wasn't. It was a V with two of us running up and down the lines serving the apex and attempting to ensure it was happy. It never was.
I'm looking ahead, enjoying planning time away and doing things I want. I'm not hell bent on being needed to feel loved. I'm delegating jobs and doing things I want to do, not what I have to do. The things I felt I had to do, often didn't need doing at all! It was just part of me doing stuff to get recognised, to push for gratitude and appreciation. I didn't get those because the person I was doing it for thought I wanted to do it! What a vicious cycle. Every time I go to do something for someone now I am asking if it I am being altruistic, kind and giving. Or, am I looking for fulfillment? Nothing wrong with feeling fulfilled obviously. There is though when you are trying to create the feeling of being a loved daughter by replacing it with volunteering your arse off for family, friends and community.
I've been reading again too. Some self development, learning and training to come out the other side of this hideous patch of parental inspection as a better person.
One of the most healing things anyone has said only happened yesterday. It showed the deepest empathy anyone has displayed to me, and I doubt they even realised the effect it had as they said the words "I'm sorry you experienced such toxic abuse". Wow! Those words! Sympathy for the experience, naming the experience, and most importantly not blaming me in any way for what happened. I'm also blessed, proud and glowing to say I'm married to the person who said this.
Comments
Post a Comment