Love It

So last week's dread turned to excitement, joy, and some more dread. The message received for the joyous occasion also had the name I despise in it, but I have managed to separate the new person from the old. Just. I think. The usual public announcement was made, and I want to acknowledge with every bit of gratitude and love and respect and appreciation to those granting that name that they omitted it from the public announcement. To just see one beautiful, cherished name was more relief than joy and excitement. I cried with the sheer relief that it wasn't in the public realm. That dread of public joy and praise while I felt such incredibly negative feelings was huge I can tell you. And that dread of something was paralysing me for a while too. I also used the "it's your news" to get out of telling the original name holder the new one had arrived.  Call it what you want, but for me it had to happen. Not that it actually crossed my mind to pick the phone up.

So today is a day I should be extremely excited. Today is an incredibly special day. And I'm struggling. Why? I should be just plain happy. I should be putting all negative thoughts out of my mind. I should be constructive and joyous. Instead all the feelings I had a few months ago when I found out a special persons name have flooded in.  That name will go out in the public arena for the first time. All the great things that others think of that name will be blazing around me like flames around Joan of Arc.  My anxiety about that person with that name are in full glorious overdrive right now. And my balanced mind says that they are not important. My anxiety says I'm not important, therefore I have two sides of my brain agreeing for all the wrong reasons.  The person who gains that name I already love. I will do anything for that person. Literally anything.  I cry with the love I have for them and I haven't even seen or held them. And yet the original holder of tha