Love It

We have a few friends and family who have died. Yes, everyone has.  Our special ones don't have their final resting places near us so we can go and spend time there though. Some don't have any physical monument to their existence. Or they are in another country.  So we made our own. It's the Chopping Board Wall of Fame!  Seriously.  Each one has a quote on a Chopping Board hung on the wall near our patio in the garden. We can raise a glass to them and sit and look at their board just as we would sit and perhaps look at their headstone. So what do we have? One of our best friends boards says "Is this how you want to live your life?"  It was directed at a young man who hadn't washed his bathroom floor!  Hardly poignant or pivotal. Or was it?  That dirty floor was a sign of accepting being the victim of something grotty. Wading through dead skin cells, fur, hair and unspeakables to do the daily ablutions was not how anyone would actually choose to live. B

Totally and utterly GROSS! Right?  Who starts a blog with a kitty litter tray?  Me! Why? Because it's the definitive smile in tough times. I have no idea why I took that photo. I really don't. But sometimes when faced with a challenging situation, a gross situation, or to be blunt a shitty situation, you just have to smile. Surely in today's reality of the world's health crisis, this is what we need.  Perhaps a Tilly Turd is the ultimate representation of life as we know it. So this has been my solution to dealing with the behind the scenes challenges of life pretty much since I can remember.  I lived in a household as a child where it was no bed of roses. If you have read earlier posts then you have an idea.  If you're currently not feeling bright and chirpy, then now is not the time to go and read them. We are constantly told by the community that a trouble shared is a trouble halved, that we can rely on our friends.  I wasn't raised like that. I

I always knew that this change I'm undergoing would be a roller coaster, but I'm not sure I was prepared. Not sure I had my crash helmet & leathers on for this bike. At the same time it's going OK. Change is healthy, but I had always anticipated that like all changes I've had this would be a reactive one. It would happen when someone near to me died and I no longer had to endure the face to face contact. Somehow I thought it would be this butterfly out of the cocoon style change that I wouldn't feel.  Bah Bong! Wrong!  Instead I made a conscious decision based on information I received that showed me I had been hiding so much of a pained past from the people who I loved more than anything in the world. Who loved me. Actually loved me even when I didn't feel it or see it for myself. And then the ride started. I admit the ride is slowing down the past few weeks as the changes become the normality of life. The highs are getting higher and the lows not so

What's your bridge?  I know I have had a few to get over. The old saying "build a bridge" has such huge connotations.  Firstly, it's us who need to build our bridges, nobody can do that for us. Then we have to decide where and when to build it and why we want to. We have to decide how strong it has to be - does it need to be used regularly? Or is it a once off and burn the bastard at the other side type of bridge? One of my biggest bridges was my weight. I used the bridge of food to build a bond with a toxic person in my life. It was what we did when we celebrated, commiserated and consoled. It was incredibly unhealthy - the food and the relationship. The weight issue that resulted from that food was another source of bonding, or creating a similarity, and having common struggles.  I believe now that I had a fear that if I lost weight, stopped eating the bad foods and regained my health - actually make that gained health as I'd never really had it - that I w

Yesterday I walked to the end. I've been to the end of my rope a few times, so yesterday walking to the end of a lovely jetty was really a great experience. I'd done it before, but just felt like I wanted to yesterday. I saw where I lived from a different perspective, from a direction not many bother to go and investigate. It's not far, about a kilometre to the end. There's seats there too and it's really a beautiful spot to go and have a think.  Lots of birds of all different kinds too. I met 2 couples walking dogs, one little one, and one big one called Troppo who was so excited about life. I guess because it's been a few weeks of very rapid growth. Speed dating my demons I called it one day. Putting the feelings I have about someone with a particular name into perspective before I meet a new person who may share that name. I needed to reorganise my mind so that I didn't connect the two. So lots of introspection and lots of thinking, along