A new day
I feel that I have told so many tales of woe over the past month in this blog. Tales of pain, frustration, anger and hurt. They had to be told. But I've been doing a lot of work on my patterns and behaviours and learned a lot about what I do and why I do it. Which means today is a new day. I will still talk about those things that happened as to deny they happened will only perpetuate the farce. The farce that the biggest influencing relationship of my life turned out that way not as a role model but as a way of "not being".
I've been challenged about some of my behaviours too. Looking at them, while I take full responsibility for them, I can now see that they too stem back to this relationship that for most of the world is a nurturing one, but for me was damaging and narcissistic. It taught me negative ways of gaining attention instead of positive ones. I know they won't change overnight, but I'll be throwing everything I have at them. The person who raised them with me I love enormously and unconditionally and I am so grateful.
It's not that I'm not loved and appreciated, it's that I don't feel those things. My successes aren't celebrated like other peoples success in my family. Why? Because I'm not there to overcompensate! Birthdays, promotions, career successes are things that I have ensured were celebrated and enjoyed so that the person felt to their core how proud I was. How much I appreciated them, and how much I loved them. I think in fact that some may get sick of hearing me say how much I love them! Surely that's not a bad thing?
I can see why I do it now though. Because I have this desperate, tear jerking, physically painful need to feel appreciated, to feel loved, to feel someone is proud of me and to have my success celebrated. That last part is a bit more of a challenge as I haven't had many successes in life because of my fear, self-doubt and lack of confidence in myself. When people have celebrated them it's caused what I call "impostor syndrome". I question myself "Oh wait til they find out I can't do this!" "Oh they're only doing it because I'll help them" - Again because I have been taught to equate need with love.
The best thing I have done recently is to limit contact with the person who I have this negative relationship with. I fully expect to be told by many that I'm cruel, I shouldn't do it, I should think of them. Parts of me actually believe it too. I have tried by stealth to do this since I was 8. I used my darling grandma! It grew from weekend sleep overs to actually asking her if I could move in with her in my final year of study because I was so completely overwhelmed that I didn't think I could survive the year. While I love her still to this day, part of me hasn't forgiven the answer "Oh no, it would upset her".
Nobody ever cared if I was upset!
Interestingly I have told my own children that I am grateful when they upset me. How weird is that? Why? Because how can I grow as a parent, how can I learn from them and create healthy relationships if I'm not upset sometimes?
Even while writing this post I have had news of a success in life. I shared it with those close to me. No negative reactions, in fact two positive ones. And yet I'm feeling deflated as I yearn for someone to actually celebrate it. I don't know how! Flowers? Dinner? I wanted to say something to one of them, but then my fear of being perceived as manipulative rather than communicative took over and I said "thank you". Again, nothing wrong with that, but I know I have a long, long way to go to achieve that feeling of self-confidence without a need for validation.
Ah narcissism, you even make a shiny new day lose part of it's gloss, even if temporarily.
I've been challenged about some of my behaviours too. Looking at them, while I take full responsibility for them, I can now see that they too stem back to this relationship that for most of the world is a nurturing one, but for me was damaging and narcissistic. It taught me negative ways of gaining attention instead of positive ones. I know they won't change overnight, but I'll be throwing everything I have at them. The person who raised them with me I love enormously and unconditionally and I am so grateful.
It's not that I'm not loved and appreciated, it's that I don't feel those things. My successes aren't celebrated like other peoples success in my family. Why? Because I'm not there to overcompensate! Birthdays, promotions, career successes are things that I have ensured were celebrated and enjoyed so that the person felt to their core how proud I was. How much I appreciated them, and how much I loved them. I think in fact that some may get sick of hearing me say how much I love them! Surely that's not a bad thing?
I can see why I do it now though. Because I have this desperate, tear jerking, physically painful need to feel appreciated, to feel loved, to feel someone is proud of me and to have my success celebrated. That last part is a bit more of a challenge as I haven't had many successes in life because of my fear, self-doubt and lack of confidence in myself. When people have celebrated them it's caused what I call "impostor syndrome". I question myself "Oh wait til they find out I can't do this!" "Oh they're only doing it because I'll help them" - Again because I have been taught to equate need with love.
The best thing I have done recently is to limit contact with the person who I have this negative relationship with. I fully expect to be told by many that I'm cruel, I shouldn't do it, I should think of them. Parts of me actually believe it too. I have tried by stealth to do this since I was 8. I used my darling grandma! It grew from weekend sleep overs to actually asking her if I could move in with her in my final year of study because I was so completely overwhelmed that I didn't think I could survive the year. While I love her still to this day, part of me hasn't forgiven the answer "Oh no, it would upset her".
Nobody ever cared if I was upset!
Interestingly I have told my own children that I am grateful when they upset me. How weird is that? Why? Because how can I grow as a parent, how can I learn from them and create healthy relationships if I'm not upset sometimes?
Even while writing this post I have had news of a success in life. I shared it with those close to me. No negative reactions, in fact two positive ones. And yet I'm feeling deflated as I yearn for someone to actually celebrate it. I don't know how! Flowers? Dinner? I wanted to say something to one of them, but then my fear of being perceived as manipulative rather than communicative took over and I said "thank you". Again, nothing wrong with that, but I know I have a long, long way to go to achieve that feeling of self-confidence without a need for validation.
Ah narcissism, you even make a shiny new day lose part of it's gloss, even if temporarily.
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