See-Saw
So last week's dread turned to excitement, joy, and some more dread.
The message received for the joyous occasion also had the name I despise in it, but I have managed to separate the new person from the old. Just. I think.
The usual public announcement was made, and I want to acknowledge with every bit of gratitude and love and respect and appreciation to those granting that name that they omitted it from the public announcement. To just see one beautiful, cherished name was more relief than joy and excitement. I cried with the sheer relief that it wasn't in the public realm. That dread of public joy and praise while I felt such incredibly negative feelings was huge I can tell you. And that dread of something was paralysing me for a while too.
I also used the "it's your news" to get out of telling the original name holder the new one had arrived. Call it what you want, but for me it had to happen. Not that it actually crossed my mind to pick the phone up. How's that for progress. I acknowledge the growth I have had over almost 4 months now of no contact. There was no guilt, no pressure, I just didn't do it.
I acknowledge how amazing my child is for their care of the oldest generation. Using technology to get a photo to that person during covid19 restrictions, and to accept her calls is the sign of what a good person I raised. I can acknowledge for that too.
And then, the next step. Meeting the new person. It's a bit of a drive to get there, and I didn't speak during the trip. I usually blather on in the car, but I didn't. The person next to me either didn't notice, didn't care, or was just lost in technology. I don't know which.
Literally I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach. What if I didn't like them? What if I didn't love them? How would I fake it? How could I push all my negative feelings away and focus on the good stuff?
I can't say I bonded. I can't say I felt huge joy. The new person is without a doubt one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. Physical perfection, calm, beautiful, just sheer brilliance. I was nervous and I was scared. I looked and looked trying to see if I could see any glimour of her spiritual knowledge of how I felt, and who she was connected to. I don't think I did.
Did I feel the mind blowing excitement of when I was told this person was coming into the world? No. Was that connected to the name? Yes. I've realised this is something I will have to continue to deal with. To separate the joy of the new person from the bitterness of the old person.
So I made myself busy during the visit. I played with the dog, did some gardening, some housework, a few bits to make myself useful. I did enjoy meeting the new person, but it was tinged with pain and anxiety because of the old person. I felt terrible going there and relieved coming back. My flight or fight mechanisms were in full swing. They're always dangerous as the fight is always internal for me.
I felt more peaceful through the week since, and now I'm going back again today.
I have everything crossed that this seesaw will one day see me permanently on the high end and I'm doing everything I can in my power to make this happen.
The message received for the joyous occasion also had the name I despise in it, but I have managed to separate the new person from the old. Just. I think.
The usual public announcement was made, and I want to acknowledge with every bit of gratitude and love and respect and appreciation to those granting that name that they omitted it from the public announcement. To just see one beautiful, cherished name was more relief than joy and excitement. I cried with the sheer relief that it wasn't in the public realm. That dread of public joy and praise while I felt such incredibly negative feelings was huge I can tell you. And that dread of something was paralysing me for a while too.
I also used the "it's your news" to get out of telling the original name holder the new one had arrived. Call it what you want, but for me it had to happen. Not that it actually crossed my mind to pick the phone up. How's that for progress. I acknowledge the growth I have had over almost 4 months now of no contact. There was no guilt, no pressure, I just didn't do it.
I acknowledge how amazing my child is for their care of the oldest generation. Using technology to get a photo to that person during covid19 restrictions, and to accept her calls is the sign of what a good person I raised. I can acknowledge for that too.
And then, the next step. Meeting the new person. It's a bit of a drive to get there, and I didn't speak during the trip. I usually blather on in the car, but I didn't. The person next to me either didn't notice, didn't care, or was just lost in technology. I don't know which.
Literally I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach. What if I didn't like them? What if I didn't love them? How would I fake it? How could I push all my negative feelings away and focus on the good stuff?
I can't say I bonded. I can't say I felt huge joy. The new person is without a doubt one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. Physical perfection, calm, beautiful, just sheer brilliance. I was nervous and I was scared. I looked and looked trying to see if I could see any glimour of her spiritual knowledge of how I felt, and who she was connected to. I don't think I did.
Did I feel the mind blowing excitement of when I was told this person was coming into the world? No. Was that connected to the name? Yes. I've realised this is something I will have to continue to deal with. To separate the joy of the new person from the bitterness of the old person.
So I made myself busy during the visit. I played with the dog, did some gardening, some housework, a few bits to make myself useful. I did enjoy meeting the new person, but it was tinged with pain and anxiety because of the old person. I felt terrible going there and relieved coming back. My flight or fight mechanisms were in full swing. They're always dangerous as the fight is always internal for me.
I felt more peaceful through the week since, and now I'm going back again today.
I have everything crossed that this seesaw will one day see me permanently on the high end and I'm doing everything I can in my power to make this happen.
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