Groundhog Day - oops I mean "Mothers Day"
So it begins as all others.
Feed the cat, fill the cats water bowl, clean the cats litter tray, jump in the shower. Get dressed, clean the kitchen have breakfast, check social media. Yep same old same old.
Then realisation of Mothers Day. The offspring live in other places, and are busy with their lives and work, and that's OK. Then the following realisation that there is an older generation. One I haven't seen in over 4 months now through choice and through isolation. One I have not had positive feelings for in 50 years. One I have had a duty to my whole life, and one I no longer wish to have a duty for.
To put it simply I hate Mothers Day. Every feeling of inadequacy that was instilled into me as a child, teenager and adult woman about every aspect of my life just bubbles to the top. It's also something m men don't understand and having 4 of them in the family makes it an interesting situation every year. It's so hit and miss.
Some years a beautiful gift, some years nothing. Some years flowers, some years nothing. Some years a card, some years nothing. The roller coast feeds my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity like a kid eating lollies in a movie. It's a very short route to reach the point of nausea.
Some years I am surrounded by people and can't hide enough to process the depth of sadness and anger I feel. They're tough years. My feelings of doubt when I get beautiful things are just as strong as when I get nothing. You see being a Mum is so strongly linked to being a daughter. Some of us are raised in such a way that those doubts are ingrained. And so that cycle is incredibly hard to break.
Other years when they're all off with partners, or work, or just living some distance away, and I'm alone I can take myself away on a road trip. I can process and heal. It's nice. Until I feel the guilt that I'm actually enjoying myself when I'm not with my parent or my children on Mother's Day. It's a lose-lose situation.
This year is still Groundhog Day in many ways. But there are silver linings. There is another generation to consider, and I am not having contact with the older generation. I've baked for two wonderful younger women for their Mother's Days to be special. I want to create good memories for them so they don't ever feel like I do.
Every year I hope that this is the one where the cycle is broken. Where I feel free to be the woman I want to be without that shackle. I know I've come a long way, especially in 2020, but there's a lot of work to do that others won't see. They may never see it. I may be their Groundhog Day person who never changes. But I will know the change!
Maybe that's all that matters to start that new day.
Feed the cat, fill the cats water bowl, clean the cats litter tray, jump in the shower. Get dressed, clean the kitchen have breakfast, check social media. Yep same old same old.
Then realisation of Mothers Day. The offspring live in other places, and are busy with their lives and work, and that's OK. Then the following realisation that there is an older generation. One I haven't seen in over 4 months now through choice and through isolation. One I have not had positive feelings for in 50 years. One I have had a duty to my whole life, and one I no longer wish to have a duty for.
To put it simply I hate Mothers Day. Every feeling of inadequacy that was instilled into me as a child, teenager and adult woman about every aspect of my life just bubbles to the top. It's also something m men don't understand and having 4 of them in the family makes it an interesting situation every year. It's so hit and miss.
Some years a beautiful gift, some years nothing. Some years flowers, some years nothing. Some years a card, some years nothing. The roller coast feeds my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity like a kid eating lollies in a movie. It's a very short route to reach the point of nausea.
Some years I am surrounded by people and can't hide enough to process the depth of sadness and anger I feel. They're tough years. My feelings of doubt when I get beautiful things are just as strong as when I get nothing. You see being a Mum is so strongly linked to being a daughter. Some of us are raised in such a way that those doubts are ingrained. And so that cycle is incredibly hard to break.
Other years when they're all off with partners, or work, or just living some distance away, and I'm alone I can take myself away on a road trip. I can process and heal. It's nice. Until I feel the guilt that I'm actually enjoying myself when I'm not with my parent or my children on Mother's Day. It's a lose-lose situation.
This year is still Groundhog Day in many ways. But there are silver linings. There is another generation to consider, and I am not having contact with the older generation. I've baked for two wonderful younger women for their Mother's Days to be special. I want to create good memories for them so they don't ever feel like I do.
Every year I hope that this is the one where the cycle is broken. Where I feel free to be the woman I want to be without that shackle. I know I've come a long way, especially in 2020, but there's a lot of work to do that others won't see. They may never see it. I may be their Groundhog Day person who never changes. But I will know the change!
Maybe that's all that matters to start that new day.
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