I should be

So today is a day I should be extremely excited. Today is an incredibly special day. And I'm struggling.

Why?

I should be just plain happy. I should be putting all negative thoughts out of my mind. I should be constructive and joyous.

Instead all the feelings I had a few months ago when I found out a special persons name have flooded in.  That name will go out in the public arena for the first time. All the great things that others think of that name will be blazing around me like flames around Joan of Arc. 

My anxiety about that person with that name are in full glorious overdrive right now. And my balanced mind says that they are not important. My anxiety says I'm not important, therefore I have two sides of my brain agreeing for all the wrong reasons. 

The person who gains that name I already love. I will do anything for that person. Literally anything.  I cry with the love I have for them and I haven't even seen or held them. And yet the original holder of that name has made me cry for the wrong reasons more than anyone in the world. They have hurt me, damaged me and torn me more than any person should.  I don't like them. That simple. I struggle to find positives to describe that person.

I thought because I deleted that name from my own over 20 years ago that one day that stinking wretched name would die out. I was wrong. So here we are again, in that twisted mindset of wanting desperately to be happy about something and fighting those inner demons.

So many people feel like this so often. I know I'm not the only one. I really do. But like everyone else when thrown into that realm, I feel alone.

I should put the past behind me right? But what if that past is still here? What if, just today, that past feels overwhelming? What if, that past seems like it will never leave? And goddamn it, what if that past's name is about to re-enter the realm for the rest of my days?

I should write something so positive about the joy and excitement I feel about today. I am. I'm genuinely happy about today, but I'm also as anxious as all get out. I'm afraid I'm not going to manage my reactions like I failed to manage them a few months ago. I'm afraid I'm going to spin into a state of anxiety like I did for a few weeks. I'm more afraid because due to the current health status of the world I can't be alone!  I like my anxiety when I'm alone. I can manage it. When surrounded I'm faced with another set of fears because I've never shared my anxiety with anyone.

I should be able to cope with this. I should be able to answer all those "Isn't it lovely for......?"  "What a lovely thing for ......." and "...... will be so happy".  What I want to say to them is the absolute truth of "Really? You think honouring someone who has done these things to their own flesh & blood deserves honouring? Really?"  But then the control that person has over their surrounding friends and family will just alienate me.  Great!  Back to lose/lose once again.

I should be able to get past my childhood trauma. I have. Mainly. But right now today, all those things of fear of failure, fear of others believing the monster and not me are raging.

I should be crying tears of joy & happiness and I have the hot tears of anger welling up. 

I should be writing a eulogy!

I should be free of this persons hold.  Mainly I am. Mainly I cruise on with my life happily, but today I'm having a bit of a glitch in the system. 

I should be back to normal tomorrow.

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