How do you sleep at night?

These days the answer is "Really well thank you" but it sure wasn't like that in the past.

I saw one of those schmaltzy posts today:

I cried.

I cried because that's how my kids do arrive. They don't knock. They will often head to the fridge or the pantry. They fall asleep on the couch. I see them relax. I love it more than I can say. I wish they lived closer so I could see it more often. I have friends who do the same. It's just wonderful.

I could re-write it to my own experience as an adult:

"Now that I am grown, I have a panic attack when I walk through the door. I freeze, I want to turn and run. I have never gone for a snack unless I bought the food, made the snack, and fed it to you. I can't relax on the sofa, I am constantly on edge, waiting for the next comment. I feel the weight of my childhood bearing down on me. This is not home. I hope I never walk in again"

So back to the original question "How do you sleep at night?" Let me cover my childhood and teenage routine of going to sleep.

Firstly, never, ever shower at night because by showering in the morning I could get in there before anyone else was awake and feel some privacy. Showering at night would guarantee a walk-in or a conversation and no privacy at all.

Then, to get changed move to the furthest corner of the bedroom as the door was not allowed to be closed. Close it and the footsteps would come to open it. The questions and the comments would flow. Zero privacy. In privacy, you can develop a sense of individuality, of purpose and of self confidence. Sorry, these are not allowed.

So, go to bed. Sounds so easy doesn't it.

First, lie on back, with knees raised and feet flat. This allowed me to fight the pain of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) that would flood in once I was finally alone (well apart from the open door). The cramp and pain were severe some nights. This position would for some reason let the cramping and discomfort pass.  Along with other stuff which I'll leave to your imagination. Often 3 or 4 trips to the bathroom would be needed.  Being a small house, that meant down the hall, past the person in the lounge, through the kitchen, out through the laundry to the toilet which was in fact the other side of the wall of my bedroom!  This meant more opportunities for "chats". Always conducive to relieving internal pressure.  Not.

Finally back to bed, and the cramps passed. Then assume the position. Same one every night.

Pillow against the wall, back pressed to the pillow. This gave a sense of physical comfort that I never felt in that house. Then use arm to create pillow and "self-hug" with one arm, while other wrapped around own waist. Sounds rather pretzel-ish doesn't it?  Probably not comfortable in hindsight, and also possibly not so good for the neck and shoulders, but I survived with minimal damage.

Then the dreams would start.  Recurring, weird ones. Always swimming across the Swan River!  In the coldest of conditions. I can still see it. Very close to where the "new" bridge is near a popular pub and always swimming north across the river too.  Analysing it now it becomes more obvious. Swimming away from the problems, and knowing it would be dark, cold and lonely to get to the other side.  The best part was there was always a friend, different ones in the dreams, and sometimes a teacher who waited for me on the other bank. They always had a blanket and a hug and held me.

Then as I drifted into sleep, I would hear the door push open on the tragic shag pile carpet that was so trendy at the time. I would wake up. Admittedly I would wake up if an ant crawled on the carpet I was such a light sleeper.

Needless to say then the whole process repeated itself until sleep did kick in.

It's difficult that people think bullying is physical intimidation only. It's not. It's quiet, sarcastic comments, snide remarks, side glances, isolation and control. It's insidious and ugly.

And makes me wonder "How do they sleep at night?"