A bridge in time
What's your bridge?
I know I have had a few to get over. The old saying "build a bridge" has such huge connotations. Firstly, it's us who need to build our bridges, nobody can do that for us. Then we have to decide where and when to build it and why we want to. We have to decide how strong it has to be - does it need to be used regularly? Or is it a once off and burn the bastard at the other side type of bridge?
One of my biggest bridges was my weight. I used the bridge of food to build a bond with a toxic person in my life. It was what we did when we celebrated, commiserated and consoled. It was incredibly unhealthy - the food and the relationship. The weight issue that resulted from that food was another source of bonding, or creating a similarity, and having common struggles.
I believe now that I had a fear that if I lost weight, stopped eating the bad foods and regained my health - actually make that gained health as I'd never really had it - that I would lose that relationship. It was a relationship based on fragments anyway, so there really was nothing to lose. I was fearful that without that ridiculous bond of bad food and weight that there would be nothing left. I realise now that was actually true. Today, there is nothing left.
I had another relationship that was not built around food but of mutual love and respect. This person had a very similar weight and food issue, but the bond wasn't with me. We actually used to try to encourage each other to do the right thing. This person's problems far outweighed mine, pardon the pun. Their health was struggling and they lost that battle.
It was then I realised that I had greater fears. First losing that person, and secondly losing my family. Throwing my family under the bus of not having a carer and mother in their life. Not a nice feeling. I also knew I had to take drastic action and build my bridge. This one I would burn and not cross back over again.
So now to a real bridge. There's a beautiful miniature "Little House on the Prairie" kind of bridge near where I live. Very cute, made of wood, and it has seats on it. As I got to the end of a long ride this morning I remembered a time where I sat on that seat.
It was about 14 years ago, and I walked from the building at the top of the hill towards my house. It's about a kilometre. Downhill. I wobbled my size 26 trousered legs down that hill and got to the bridge and saw the seats. I had to sit down. I was wobbling in all the wrong places, and not just my wobbly places either. I was worried about my health. I was struggling! I sat for a bit, then got up and finished walking home. I didn't do anything about this of course and continued on my merry eating way.
Then I lost that person, and life and I changed forever. My fears were realised, and I was more self aware than I had ever been. I think I grew up.
Today was a real epiphany though of how far across my bridge I had come. Today marked 10 weeks since I had seen my toxic influencer. It was 6 weeks since my car accident. I felt strong and I wanted to do a big ride. I set off on my trusty trike and I rode over 15km to a coffee shop where I had just a coffee. No huge breakfast to reward myself for actually getting off my arse. Just a coffee. I enjoyed it. Then I kept riding. I remembered the bridge, and I happily detoured across it in my size 10 exercise pants on my trike before heading home after a lovely 18 kilometre bike ride.
I realised how far across my bridge I had come from the day I sat there in my size 16 trousers wondering how to move again to finish a whole 1 kilometre walk.
And yes, that bridge is burnt! I crossed it. I'm proud.
I know I have had a few to get over. The old saying "build a bridge" has such huge connotations. Firstly, it's us who need to build our bridges, nobody can do that for us. Then we have to decide where and when to build it and why we want to. We have to decide how strong it has to be - does it need to be used regularly? Or is it a once off and burn the bastard at the other side type of bridge?
One of my biggest bridges was my weight. I used the bridge of food to build a bond with a toxic person in my life. It was what we did when we celebrated, commiserated and consoled. It was incredibly unhealthy - the food and the relationship. The weight issue that resulted from that food was another source of bonding, or creating a similarity, and having common struggles.
I believe now that I had a fear that if I lost weight, stopped eating the bad foods and regained my health - actually make that gained health as I'd never really had it - that I would lose that relationship. It was a relationship based on fragments anyway, so there really was nothing to lose. I was fearful that without that ridiculous bond of bad food and weight that there would be nothing left. I realise now that was actually true. Today, there is nothing left.
I had another relationship that was not built around food but of mutual love and respect. This person had a very similar weight and food issue, but the bond wasn't with me. We actually used to try to encourage each other to do the right thing. This person's problems far outweighed mine, pardon the pun. Their health was struggling and they lost that battle.
It was then I realised that I had greater fears. First losing that person, and secondly losing my family. Throwing my family under the bus of not having a carer and mother in their life. Not a nice feeling. I also knew I had to take drastic action and build my bridge. This one I would burn and not cross back over again.
So now to a real bridge. There's a beautiful miniature "Little House on the Prairie" kind of bridge near where I live. Very cute, made of wood, and it has seats on it. As I got to the end of a long ride this morning I remembered a time where I sat on that seat.
It was about 14 years ago, and I walked from the building at the top of the hill towards my house. It's about a kilometre. Downhill. I wobbled my size 26 trousered legs down that hill and got to the bridge and saw the seats. I had to sit down. I was wobbling in all the wrong places, and not just my wobbly places either. I was worried about my health. I was struggling! I sat for a bit, then got up and finished walking home. I didn't do anything about this of course and continued on my merry eating way.
Then I lost that person, and life and I changed forever. My fears were realised, and I was more self aware than I had ever been. I think I grew up.
Today was a real epiphany though of how far across my bridge I had come. Today marked 10 weeks since I had seen my toxic influencer. It was 6 weeks since my car accident. I felt strong and I wanted to do a big ride. I set off on my trusty trike and I rode over 15km to a coffee shop where I had just a coffee. No huge breakfast to reward myself for actually getting off my arse. Just a coffee. I enjoyed it. Then I kept riding. I remembered the bridge, and I happily detoured across it in my size 10 exercise pants on my trike before heading home after a lovely 18 kilometre bike ride.
I realised how far across my bridge I had come from the day I sat there in my size 16 trousers wondering how to move again to finish a whole 1 kilometre walk.
And yes, that bridge is burnt! I crossed it. I'm proud.
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