Feeling vs Thinking

 So I've been thinking about feelings. Or maybe feeling about thinking?

It came about when someone said "But you know I love you".  What an interesting statement!

It assumes so much. Way too much in fact. 

Let's call the speaker Person 1 "Feeler" as they have already stated they feel something.  Let's call Person 2 "Thinker" as they have obviously thought and questioned the validity of the feelings.

Let's break down the short sentence from Feelers perspective.  

But - Sounds like an argument really, they are disputing what Thinker has said, and they have a different view point. It's a positive one in this case, the feeling being one of love.  But is in a small way counteracting that as it's giving a positive emotion in a negative form. What does a child say when you make their favourite cookie and they're not in the mood "BUT I don't like it today!"  How do you feel when you hear the word But? I've heard it too many times, and the bit that comes after it is never quite what I want to hear.

You know -- How do any of us know what someone else knows?  It's a real challenge. Teachers do this in school when a student is struggling to think of an answer to something simple "But you know this!"  What if they were to ask "What's the issue with remembering the answer today?" When one person, the Feeler in this scenario says with great gusto "You know" then the Thinker is automatically plunged into self doubt. When the statement is delivered in a certain way it just opens up a mindset of questions. Do I know? How do I know? How do they know and I don't? I must be wrong because they know this and I don't. Or I must be dumb because they know the answer and I don't. Even simple things like tastes of food and colour identification can be bought into these two words. One of the saddest sights I have witnessed was a wife asking her husband "Do I like this?" It spoke volumes about the relationship and each individual.

I love you - Feeler absolutely feels this love towards Thinker. No doubt in the world. But does Thinker feel loved simply because they've been told those words. Sadly no. Some can convey the words with such certainty, clarity and conviction that no Thinker could ever doubt them. This is usually young love, either young in age or young in duration. Over time a true Thinker can begin to doubt them, to look for proof and most of all wants to cross over to the other side and be a Feeler!

So, now the Thinkers turn.

But - Oh yeah, here it comes, Feeler is going to make me doubt my own mind and heart. I have to brace myself for what comes next as it's going to hurt or damage my poor exhausted Thinker brain. The Thinker will have gone through 1001 scenarios of what this But means long before the Feeler has finished the sentence.

You know - Oh great more of what I just thought!  Feeler knows what I think already, so how could I have faith in my own mind and heart? 

I love you - Thinkers first thought - "Yeah, but do you?" and the deeper question of if Feeler really does love Thinker, then why doesn't Thinker feel loved? Such challenges over such a small statement. 

So what's the answer?

It comes back to communication and learning the other persons way of communicating.  The Feeler needs to put into more words and actions what love feels like. The Thinker can't feel what Feeler feels. Feeler could write their thoughts, buy a gift, do something that shows their love. More importantly they can ask Thinker what would make them feel loved. There are languages of love, and information out there to research that can fill entire book stores and websites for browsing for years. The quickest way is to ask Thinker what they need to feel loved. 

And poor old Thinker feeling unloved even though they've been told they're loved? What does Thinker need to do? The quickest answer would be to have faith in Feeler.  Not so easy, and not such a good idea. Thinker needs more than that to convert their thoughts into feelings. They need cold hard factual evidence, that does not contradict. Feelers will often sit quietly absorbed in their little feeling world and saying the right things. Thinkers are often over-doers, so they will be all consumed in acts of service, loyalty and devotion just wanting Feeler to do something. Anything. Thinkers can also become absorbed in their Thinking and not communicate that this is what they are in fact doing. 

A good Feeler can turn this around by using those feelings to be more intuitive, by learning to take action and using different language.

A good Thinker can have faith in the Feeler so that they are not questioning every word and action.

At the end of the day, with communication tools the Thinker could turn to the Feeler and say "Yes I feel the love I know you give me"

That is a beautiful day.