Wants, Needs & Shoulds
I don't think I've processed this much old thought for a long time. If ever. I've pushed and prodded all that nasty stuff so far to the back of my mind it's like cleaning out wardrobes of my mother's homes over the years. All the questions of "Why would anyone keep hold of that?" Except this time it's my thoughts and memories and questions I never thought I'd ask.
Is this growing up?
Is this midlife crisis?
So for a few days I went away from the routine. Went into a whole new world. Then I came back. Sounds like a cryptic clue to a holiday doesn't it?
Woke up today with the usual suspects of dogs and cats and wondered what to do today. I divided it up into 3 categories: Wants, Needs and Shoulds. I'm not longer in a place in life where there are many "have to" sections. There's laundry to do, but I don't have to do it. There's cleaning to do but I won't die of sepsis if I don't do it. There's gardening to do, but it's hot and the place doesn't quite look like a rental. There's family but they all have their own capacity.
So what did I want to do? I wanted to write more of this stuff I'm processing in my head. That could be a need as well really. I wanted to have coffee, done. I wanted to be quiet, done.
What should I do? Well, I should do a lot of that housey stuff really. But it will wait. I should go visit the ancient being, but that would bring about stress and nasty head space stuff and I'm refusing to do that until requested. I possibly should go and get some craft supplies and clean up the piles of things on that list. But I don't want to, and I don't need to.
Then I came to need. That one pushed my brain around the race track for a while. Second coffee needed to gain some energy to go another lap of the track to find out what that one really means. Please don't think F1 circuit here. No glass smooth tracks, high powered sports cars and noise here. Also, don't think Rolls Royce on manicured roads and beautiful scenery. Actually don't think any sort of car you'd want to buy.
Start thinking of beaten up, clapped out cars that aren't roadworthy. The renovators delights of Renaults so to speak. The car is a bit pongy, a bit ripped up and a bit in need of a vacuum. It's messy in here. The engine isn't running too well, it's on 3 cylinders I think, needs an oil change and some new spark plugs. Do cars even use them any more? I doubt it. But this is some old banger, not a modern fuel injected pleasant vehicle.
The track isn't smooth, there's some stumps and bumps and logs and rocks. A few puddles, hills and some very steep descents to navigate.
The signpost I saw along that track said "You are only loved when you are needed"
There was a lovely banner around that sign of big red flags too!
I came across the stunning realisation in that messy mind map I was bumping around in that that was my entire premise of every relationship I have. Now some of the people who love me will deny this to the absolute maximum. And they could well be right. But my perception is that unless I am needed I am not loved. I have people who I know love me unconditionally.
This all comes back to that primal maternal relationship. I wasn't born to someone who loved me, I was there to fulfill a need. To be owned and then to be needed. From my name which I would have loved to have been connected to my father's family - to his beautiful mother and sisters; instead to a first cousin three times removed who not only did I never meet, but neither did the person who named me. Such complete disconnection and such complete ownership. I don't like my name. I deleted my middle name I disliked it and the connection so intensely. That's a powerful thing to do.
From there it was to fulfill an emotional need. If you only read one sentence in this mosaic, then it's this one. You don't take hugs, you give hugs. Think about it. When you are asked for a hug, it means nothing, zip, nada. When someone voluntarily gives you a hug, it's coming from the heart and it means the world. I love hugging people. But when I'm asked for one, I freeze. I feel violated. They've taken something from me that I could have given to someone else. Yes, totally overcomplicating the act of hugging, but again, this is my messy mind mosaic here. And I'm able to own it.
Then a couple of wonderful people who I loved and they needed me, but then I'd needed them too, so that was OK. Fell in love, got needed and then had children who of course needed me. These are the people whose needs I will fulfill as long as I have breath in my body. They have been my number one priority in life and always will be. I signed up for wife and mother forever. In other parts of life though as one person became independant so I found someone else who needed me. From committee to council to community group because I was feeding off that need to be needed.
When you are raised in a co-dependency but can't recognise it, then you think that is a normal. It's not! But that realisation that being needed equates to being loved is planted firmly and squarely in a very deep place.
One of the reasons I love working is that there is an exchange of need and money. A balance. Some needs are balanced with love, and others are purely and simply a drain and an exhaustion. My role as a child has been a drain and an exhaustion by one parent while the one who loved me is not longer with me. His needs were balanced with a pure love that is still felt decades later. Her needs I am still meeting and they've never been balanced with any love at all. It's a one way street.
I wonder how that will feel when those needs are not there any more.
Is this growing up?
Is this midlife crisis?
So for a few days I went away from the routine. Went into a whole new world. Then I came back. Sounds like a cryptic clue to a holiday doesn't it?
Woke up today with the usual suspects of dogs and cats and wondered what to do today. I divided it up into 3 categories: Wants, Needs and Shoulds. I'm not longer in a place in life where there are many "have to" sections. There's laundry to do, but I don't have to do it. There's cleaning to do but I won't die of sepsis if I don't do it. There's gardening to do, but it's hot and the place doesn't quite look like a rental. There's family but they all have their own capacity.
So what did I want to do? I wanted to write more of this stuff I'm processing in my head. That could be a need as well really. I wanted to have coffee, done. I wanted to be quiet, done.
What should I do? Well, I should do a lot of that housey stuff really. But it will wait. I should go visit the ancient being, but that would bring about stress and nasty head space stuff and I'm refusing to do that until requested. I possibly should go and get some craft supplies and clean up the piles of things on that list. But I don't want to, and I don't need to.
Then I came to need. That one pushed my brain around the race track for a while. Second coffee needed to gain some energy to go another lap of the track to find out what that one really means. Please don't think F1 circuit here. No glass smooth tracks, high powered sports cars and noise here. Also, don't think Rolls Royce on manicured roads and beautiful scenery. Actually don't think any sort of car you'd want to buy.
Start thinking of beaten up, clapped out cars that aren't roadworthy. The renovators delights of Renaults so to speak. The car is a bit pongy, a bit ripped up and a bit in need of a vacuum. It's messy in here. The engine isn't running too well, it's on 3 cylinders I think, needs an oil change and some new spark plugs. Do cars even use them any more? I doubt it. But this is some old banger, not a modern fuel injected pleasant vehicle.
The track isn't smooth, there's some stumps and bumps and logs and rocks. A few puddles, hills and some very steep descents to navigate.
The signpost I saw along that track said "You are only loved when you are needed"
There was a lovely banner around that sign of big red flags too!
I came across the stunning realisation in that messy mind map I was bumping around in that that was my entire premise of every relationship I have. Now some of the people who love me will deny this to the absolute maximum. And they could well be right. But my perception is that unless I am needed I am not loved. I have people who I know love me unconditionally.
This all comes back to that primal maternal relationship. I wasn't born to someone who loved me, I was there to fulfill a need. To be owned and then to be needed. From my name which I would have loved to have been connected to my father's family - to his beautiful mother and sisters; instead to a first cousin three times removed who not only did I never meet, but neither did the person who named me. Such complete disconnection and such complete ownership. I don't like my name. I deleted my middle name I disliked it and the connection so intensely. That's a powerful thing to do.
From there it was to fulfill an emotional need. If you only read one sentence in this mosaic, then it's this one. You don't take hugs, you give hugs. Think about it. When you are asked for a hug, it means nothing, zip, nada. When someone voluntarily gives you a hug, it's coming from the heart and it means the world. I love hugging people. But when I'm asked for one, I freeze. I feel violated. They've taken something from me that I could have given to someone else. Yes, totally overcomplicating the act of hugging, but again, this is my messy mind mosaic here. And I'm able to own it.
Then a couple of wonderful people who I loved and they needed me, but then I'd needed them too, so that was OK. Fell in love, got needed and then had children who of course needed me. These are the people whose needs I will fulfill as long as I have breath in my body. They have been my number one priority in life and always will be. I signed up for wife and mother forever. In other parts of life though as one person became independant so I found someone else who needed me. From committee to council to community group because I was feeding off that need to be needed.
When you are raised in a co-dependency but can't recognise it, then you think that is a normal. It's not! But that realisation that being needed equates to being loved is planted firmly and squarely in a very deep place.
One of the reasons I love working is that there is an exchange of need and money. A balance. Some needs are balanced with love, and others are purely and simply a drain and an exhaustion. My role as a child has been a drain and an exhaustion by one parent while the one who loved me is not longer with me. His needs were balanced with a pure love that is still felt decades later. Her needs I am still meeting and they've never been balanced with any love at all. It's a one way street.
I wonder how that will feel when those needs are not there any more.
Comments
Post a Comment