Love It

I wonder how many times I've said those words. Probably the best way to describe that would be the good old "If I had a dollar..........."  For these words, I'd be living in a riverside mansion I reckon. This morning I was wondering why. The scenario that came to me was that of helping my kids. I've tried to as much for them as I can without making them into needy dependants. I've succeeded in that I think. There are three kind, considerate, caring and extremely capable individuals walking the earth. I'm so proud of them. Yet I still offer to help with tasks that I know they are more capable than I am of achieving. It must drive them mental. They must think to themselves "Oh crap! Why does she do this?"  So I thought about why I do it. Their reaction is theirs to own, but why do I do it? So here's an example of where I wanted my parent to parent-up and do the damned job. To ask if they could help. Damn it. I just wanted them to help. To...

Today the day of love and romance. Of flowers, treats and special moments.  I love Valentines Day. I really do. It’s rare I haven’t been treated like a queen on this day by the most amazing man in the world. In my current introspection state of 2020, it is making me think deeper.  In the shower of course. Most of my deepest thoughts are there because it was one of the few places I could think as a live at home junior adult/child. Not for long, but there were moments. So unconditional love.  I’ve heard it said by people who leave their partners within a relatively short time. I’ve heard it said followed by the word “but” which always negates everything before it. I’ve heard it said by someone I know didn’t mean it, thankfully not to me. I have loved unconditionally and I do love unconditionally. I often say to my kids I love them totally. I like that word better.  It says it all.  There is no part of them I don’t love.  I love their tempers, their faul...

I must be getting older! My recovery times both physical and mental are getting slower. A car crash has left me with some painful areas that I never thought I would have. It's limited my activities and busy-ness of life to a small extent.  That's a double edged sword as it's given me time to think as well. Thinking is good when you are removed from a toxic influence as you start to see things more clearly and more calmly. What I've found most interesting is my level of exhaustion.  A lovely lady I know lives in a frenetic household due to a family member with a disability. She made a comment about exhaustion levels when adrenaline and cortisol (flight or fright hormones) subside after a particularly long bout of action.  I realised that since not being in contact with my major trigger person that these levels that have been heightened for years have started to subside. So I'm feeling tired. I'm having to lower my action levels due to back pain and the tw...

These are the words I would say if I could, but know I never will. I think it will help to at least put them out there. Dear Let's cover the recent stuff shall we? I delivered your needs, you left me a voicemail. It was snarky, it said it was a shame I didn't have time to go see you. I actually couldn't go see you. My anxiety attacks when I do that are pretty brutal. Nobody sees me sit in the car for sometimes half an hour building up to go in for mostly not as long as it took me to put those anxieties away to walk in. Nobody sees me run to the car when I leave. Or if they do they just think I'm busy. So I asked someone to intervene. I can't remember doing that. Ever. I asked them to tell you I wouldn't be in - for a while - not forever - just a while.  I trust them implicitly. I know they told you the right thing in the right way. You told them the voicemail was to tell me someone had fallen over!  No you didn't mention that. You snarked and shamed. ...

As a formally trained celebrant I am well versed in the art and benefit of rituals and rites. In the past few weeks I have been cleansing my home of physical attachments to this particular person. It's really helped. Clearing myself of a sense of duty in holding on to items that had a sentimental attachment out of sheer duty. I've tried to justify keeping them with a myriad of reasons.  From "Well I actually kind of like them, a bit" to "There are some happy memories attached, I think" and "Maybe future generations will want them". I've finished with that today with the final clearing of physical items.  This is the sort of thing that is generally done some months or even years after someone dies when the griever has reached a point of comfort that they can rid themselves of these things. When my grandfather died, my grandmother wanted all items removed from their shared home before she would move back in there after a couple of weeks s...

I've been studying these recently and they are fascinating. I've always had a reputation for embellishing the truth, gilding the lily, etc.  Probably a polite way of saying I had lied.  That's a bitter pill to swallow. My levels of self awareness have been changing so much this year since the small piece of information I received on Christmas Day.  My reaction to that news was the monumental part of the year, and probably my life. First I found my tribe. It's online. I haven't met any of them. But they understand me more than anyone I have met face to face. They had similar upbringings. I have learned new acronyms, new terms and discovered reasons for a whole pile of things that I do - and say. When challenged about this habit. It is a habit. I don't willfully go and tell something not accurate, and I never want to hurt anyone either. My first reaction, here in the "new" land was to think "You're going to be shocked when you realise that...

One of my posts recently was about my bedtime routine. Of overcoming physical pain in order to get to sleep. On the weekend I managed to open up a bit about my morning routine. A lot of things highlighted about parentification of children in a narcissistic household.  I say household as the word family isn't really accurate. So here is the routine.  Remember I wasn't an adult. I left this environment when I was 17 years old. This was from around 10 until 17.  If you're remembering back to Mum being up early doing things for you then I'm genuinely happy for you. Alarm clock goes off - 6am every day, but not really sure why I bothered as I always woke up before it.  This way I could get in the shower without risking anyone walking in. There was no privacy in the shower because apparently it was normal to have a chat. I didn't feel normal when that happened.  Comments about how big her waist was at that age always seemed to come out to reinforce my feeli...