Why can't I celebrate?

This week there will be a milestone event in my family. I remember planning, and being so excited for the same age event back in 1988. It was huge.

The lady in question then was loved and admired by everyone without exception. She was almost saintly, but with a wicked sense of humour and a love and zest for life that spanned her entire life. She was generous, kind, supportive, enthusiastic and full of praise for those around her. She conducted Random Acts of Kindness before we had a buzz word for it. There were gifts aplenty!  In her typical style she wrote a list of them and who gave them to her so she could acknowledge them all individually.  I kept the list. I value her administration skills and her care of those who gave to her. I even have the jewellery I gave her for that special occasion.  I am grateful that I know what it is like to celebrate that milestone birthday and to this day I remember how great it was.

And now here we are almost 30 years later and here we go again for a different person. It's a different time, different person and different emotions. 

I haven't bought a gift, I don't know if I will.
I've booked a venue, ordered a cake, ordered some decorations and invited the guests.
I know what I'm going to wear.
I've arranged the transport.

And I'm flat as roadkill in the heat.

I don't want to celebrate. It will be fake. This person has damaged me, undermined me, abused me for my entire life. This is a narcissist. The problem is they're an extremely good one.  Nobody sees her for who she is. Well, not that they admit to. I get dark looks, sarcastic comments, negative comments from the flying monkeys that abound. I'm stronger than I used to be. I've certainly come a long way. But these grand events?  Man, they're hard work. They take the mental strength of running a marathon.

I let it get to me for the past few weeks, I'm the first to admit it. I reached out, but got no reaction. Flying monkeys will one day see they were used, and then they need the victims support to get through that.  So in some ways that narcissist still has a bit of a win because their victims have to help and to console their flying monkeys. How ironic is that?

I've had some successes recently, and I will continue to quietly, inaudibly applaud myself for them. I'm literally in training for this event. I'm doing a 21 day stress reduction challenge, I'm eating well, staying hydrated, exercising and journalling my emotions. I have to survive this event.

I can promise myself this though. If anyone tells me I will regret "my treatment" when that day comes and it's all over, I can promise to tell them in no uncertain terms to "Fuck off! I hope my little narcissist regrets their treatment"

Back to my preparation

na zdravie

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