Who do the needed need?
I'm needed. Not needy. There's a huge difference. Let me explain.
As a child of geriatric grandparents I was needed to fulfill domestic duties beyond their capabilities. A lost childhood in many ways. With 70 years gap between me and my grandparents, there was a need to be a good girl, a need to pick things up, a need to clean and a need to garden. I didn't resent this though, they were phenomenal people who paid me back a million times over in support and kindness. In practical terms too by teaching, guiding, training and making things for me. No regrets, just love.
Then as the child of geriatric parents I had to undertake a whole pile of domestic duties. I was given a hand-drill for my 10th birthday by a neighbour as he didn't feel it right I should be using power tools to undertake maintenance on the family home. I got a sewing machine too. Painting, sewing, cooking, cleaning and tidying up after those who either couldn't or wouldn't. All the while being subjected to the incessant commentary of those outside the home of "you must be spoilt rotten being an only child". I vaguely remember the shine of this had worn off pre-kindy. Of course with the health issues of one parent I didn't resent or anger when required to do that share, but to have to take on the share of the other to fulfill their needs I definitely resented.
Becoming a partner and a wife meant I have fulfilled needs purely out of love. Selfless love. I admire and love this man more than I ever imagined possible. I know that there is not a single thing he would not do for me, and he knows that he can rely on me for literally everything he needs. It is a partnership of love and devotion denied to many. I like this need.
A role of motherhood meant some serious and conscious thought. How was I going to not recreate the trainwreck of a motherhood I had experienced. How would I skip a generation and be a selfless, kind, positive, influential being over my children that I had received from my grandmother. And how, how on earth was I going to not copy what I had experienced as a child? I listened to my grandmother more, I watched her and I did the same with my Dad. My children barely remember these two people, but I hope they have instilled in them the virtue and gratitude that they deserve. Without these two I doubt I would have had the parental skills to raise my children in the way I did.
I liked this need. It was healthy. At the same time I worked extremely hard to create independent adults who 'could' rely on me but didn't have to. I could not withstand a co-dependency. I was positive and assertive, I told them constantly that they were handsome, smart, and above all how much they were loved. As grown adults I still do. At times in their adult lives they have needed me and I have fulfilled those needs to the best of my ability. Sometimes drained, exhausted and really unsure how I was going to do it. Never wanting to dictate how they lived, but at the same time conscious of guiding them.
And so now, not many of my family members need me anymore. I'm good with that. I'm proud of that. The downside is that I have pushed myself so hard over these decades that I don't know how to need.
I look forward to phone calls from the younger generation knowing that sometimes they are in need, others just to say hello or have a chat.
And one day, the older generation's number will cease to show on my phone and I will cease to be needed by them and my caterpillar fur will fall off and my wings will grow. My duty will be done.
As a child of geriatric grandparents I was needed to fulfill domestic duties beyond their capabilities. A lost childhood in many ways. With 70 years gap between me and my grandparents, there was a need to be a good girl, a need to pick things up, a need to clean and a need to garden. I didn't resent this though, they were phenomenal people who paid me back a million times over in support and kindness. In practical terms too by teaching, guiding, training and making things for me. No regrets, just love.
Then as the child of geriatric parents I had to undertake a whole pile of domestic duties. I was given a hand-drill for my 10th birthday by a neighbour as he didn't feel it right I should be using power tools to undertake maintenance on the family home. I got a sewing machine too. Painting, sewing, cooking, cleaning and tidying up after those who either couldn't or wouldn't. All the while being subjected to the incessant commentary of those outside the home of "you must be spoilt rotten being an only child". I vaguely remember the shine of this had worn off pre-kindy. Of course with the health issues of one parent I didn't resent or anger when required to do that share, but to have to take on the share of the other to fulfill their needs I definitely resented.
Becoming a partner and a wife meant I have fulfilled needs purely out of love. Selfless love. I admire and love this man more than I ever imagined possible. I know that there is not a single thing he would not do for me, and he knows that he can rely on me for literally everything he needs. It is a partnership of love and devotion denied to many. I like this need.
A role of motherhood meant some serious and conscious thought. How was I going to not recreate the trainwreck of a motherhood I had experienced. How would I skip a generation and be a selfless, kind, positive, influential being over my children that I had received from my grandmother. And how, how on earth was I going to not copy what I had experienced as a child? I listened to my grandmother more, I watched her and I did the same with my Dad. My children barely remember these two people, but I hope they have instilled in them the virtue and gratitude that they deserve. Without these two I doubt I would have had the parental skills to raise my children in the way I did.
I liked this need. It was healthy. At the same time I worked extremely hard to create independent adults who 'could' rely on me but didn't have to. I could not withstand a co-dependency. I was positive and assertive, I told them constantly that they were handsome, smart, and above all how much they were loved. As grown adults I still do. At times in their adult lives they have needed me and I have fulfilled those needs to the best of my ability. Sometimes drained, exhausted and really unsure how I was going to do it. Never wanting to dictate how they lived, but at the same time conscious of guiding them.
And so now, not many of my family members need me anymore. I'm good with that. I'm proud of that. The downside is that I have pushed myself so hard over these decades that I don't know how to need.
I look forward to phone calls from the younger generation knowing that sometimes they are in need, others just to say hello or have a chat.
And one day, the older generation's number will cease to show on my phone and I will cease to be needed by them and my caterpillar fur will fall off and my wings will grow. My duty will be done.
Comments
Post a Comment