I've got a grey streak
I only just discovered this grey streak and it's kind of scary.
I now bear more than a passing resemblance to Lily Munster! She had the coolest grey stripes in her hair. And now I do too.
These rapid onset solid grey stripes aren't the normal aging process though they are attached to a trauma. Young people like me, being only 50 after all, get them. I was quite surprised when I found 2 of them.
I don't know why I'm surprised though. The last 4 months have been a blur of change, challenge and confusion with a massive workload and little reward if I'm brutally honest. I don't do things for reward, but when the tasks are huge, some small payout is a nice feeling that you got it right.
First there was Emergency trip no. 1, followed by Emergency surgery no. 1. Not major health issues just a discomfort for the loved one and some sleep deprivation for me.
Then there came Emergency trip no. 2, followed by Emergency surgery no. 2. They shared the load, this was a different loved one, and it was not minor. This was the words you never want to hear "If we don't operate within the hour, he will die." Backed up by Intensive Care, and a long hospital stay before recovery began.
Let's throw in an annual family event, a milestone birthday to be organised and catered for within a fortnight of this major health crisis. Just for fun!
Right, kept up so far? Two health crises solved, now let's have some emotional and physical upheaval with moving house. Again, none of mine, just an innocent bystander with a ute, a credit card and a willing pair of hands to assist in someone else's time of need. Not content with this though, karma had to throw another health crisis into the mixing bowl of life and whack it on high speed. This was Emergency trip no. 3 & no. 4! Within a week just so I could learn the names of staff in the ward.
6 hospital in 6 weeks for 1 person is a lot to contend with for that person. It can also reach a point where you have to re-think when you get in the car if you are going to the right hospital to deliver clothes! At the same time, there's another house-move, another whole lot of 'stuff' to move, remove, deliver, sort and sift. If I had a business I could call it Chaos Busters -- there's even some ghosts in that chaos.
These times test everyone, and there's usually someone who bears the brunt of those emotions too. In my case, the steering wheel and some primal screaming coupled with long trike rides fixes most things.
Then I was told about my grey streak - not the one in my hair, but the one in my character. It was pointed out with love and care, but the effect was the same. The shock. The looking at myself in the mirror with a different view of myself and the people who pointed it out. I don't think they saw the grey hair, they just saw the grey streak in my personality. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what they did, I'm all about change, and improvement, and you can't do either if people aren't honest & up front.
Timing of course is everything, and while none of the big events of the past few months have been mine, I have been the pit crew for those on the race track. My permanent place in life I guess - fix, help, replace, get them on the road and stay in pit lane by myself. This time though it feels different. There's been an enormous amount of tears, of fear, of pain. All mine, none of it caused by those who pointed out my grey streak. I own it.
So now, I am attempting to change, to innovate and to be proactive not reactive in how I deal with these grey streaks. All forms of self confidence have dissolved like a bad fade-out on a powerpoint presentation. All positive images of self both physical and emotional have been wiped from my mind. Every single insecurity of my youth has returned with vengeance. My attempts at leaving the house are more difficult, as the song says "I don't want the world to see me". And yet at the same time if I owned a car, or had an income I would probably disappear for some time until ready to face the world again, but I have neither, and so have to get by with mini-escapes. Amazing how far you can travel in your mind on a trip to the bathroom! I have worn no make up in over a week - the raccoon look from silent tears on mascara has never been a favourite.
I have become a turtle in life now, my head is in, my shell hardened. I've gone back to my youth where I said nothing and hid my hurt. This time though I don't have my hairy guardian angel on the inside of the shell to help me, so the old motto "If it is to be, then it is up to me" is my new mantra for the day, and for however long it takes me to complete this phase of my life. Til those who pointed them out either accept my grey streaks, or I buy a bottle of dye and fake it til I make it.
I now bear more than a passing resemblance to Lily Munster! She had the coolest grey stripes in her hair. And now I do too.
These rapid onset solid grey stripes aren't the normal aging process though they are attached to a trauma. Young people like me, being only 50 after all, get them. I was quite surprised when I found 2 of them.
I don't know why I'm surprised though. The last 4 months have been a blur of change, challenge and confusion with a massive workload and little reward if I'm brutally honest. I don't do things for reward, but when the tasks are huge, some small payout is a nice feeling that you got it right.
First there was Emergency trip no. 1, followed by Emergency surgery no. 1. Not major health issues just a discomfort for the loved one and some sleep deprivation for me.
Then there came Emergency trip no. 2, followed by Emergency surgery no. 2. They shared the load, this was a different loved one, and it was not minor. This was the words you never want to hear "If we don't operate within the hour, he will die." Backed up by Intensive Care, and a long hospital stay before recovery began.
Let's throw in an annual family event, a milestone birthday to be organised and catered for within a fortnight of this major health crisis. Just for fun!
Right, kept up so far? Two health crises solved, now let's have some emotional and physical upheaval with moving house. Again, none of mine, just an innocent bystander with a ute, a credit card and a willing pair of hands to assist in someone else's time of need. Not content with this though, karma had to throw another health crisis into the mixing bowl of life and whack it on high speed. This was Emergency trip no. 3 & no. 4! Within a week just so I could learn the names of staff in the ward.
6 hospital in 6 weeks for 1 person is a lot to contend with for that person. It can also reach a point where you have to re-think when you get in the car if you are going to the right hospital to deliver clothes! At the same time, there's another house-move, another whole lot of 'stuff' to move, remove, deliver, sort and sift. If I had a business I could call it Chaos Busters -- there's even some ghosts in that chaos.
These times test everyone, and there's usually someone who bears the brunt of those emotions too. In my case, the steering wheel and some primal screaming coupled with long trike rides fixes most things.
Then I was told about my grey streak - not the one in my hair, but the one in my character. It was pointed out with love and care, but the effect was the same. The shock. The looking at myself in the mirror with a different view of myself and the people who pointed it out. I don't think they saw the grey hair, they just saw the grey streak in my personality. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what they did, I'm all about change, and improvement, and you can't do either if people aren't honest & up front.
Timing of course is everything, and while none of the big events of the past few months have been mine, I have been the pit crew for those on the race track. My permanent place in life I guess - fix, help, replace, get them on the road and stay in pit lane by myself. This time though it feels different. There's been an enormous amount of tears, of fear, of pain. All mine, none of it caused by those who pointed out my grey streak. I own it.
So now, I am attempting to change, to innovate and to be proactive not reactive in how I deal with these grey streaks. All forms of self confidence have dissolved like a bad fade-out on a powerpoint presentation. All positive images of self both physical and emotional have been wiped from my mind. Every single insecurity of my youth has returned with vengeance. My attempts at leaving the house are more difficult, as the song says "I don't want the world to see me". And yet at the same time if I owned a car, or had an income I would probably disappear for some time until ready to face the world again, but I have neither, and so have to get by with mini-escapes. Amazing how far you can travel in your mind on a trip to the bathroom! I have worn no make up in over a week - the raccoon look from silent tears on mascara has never been a favourite.
I have become a turtle in life now, my head is in, my shell hardened. I've gone back to my youth where I said nothing and hid my hurt. This time though I don't have my hairy guardian angel on the inside of the shell to help me, so the old motto "If it is to be, then it is up to me" is my new mantra for the day, and for however long it takes me to complete this phase of my life. Til those who pointed them out either accept my grey streaks, or I buy a bottle of dye and fake it til I make it.
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